The year of the Lord

 Happy 2013 everyone! Another chapter in our lives closed, another one being written. This time of year is always a joyous and merry time of year. This is when things seem to be reflected on. The good, bad, and ugly are all put back in the light to see how it turned out. Looking back on last year for me has been… exhilarating. It has brought me confusion, joy, unknown’s, peace, pain, and most importantly love. I never knew what to expect since last year was starting it off in the Middle East but now that I look back, I know God’s hand was in it all. I met great people, saw and experienced great things, overcame obstacles, and found what I’m passionate about. Jesus became more of my focus.

As I see what is ahead of me in 2013, I have to keep reminding myself this one thing: Jesus is in control. I can already tell that this is going to be the “theme” (if there is even such a thing) of 2013. Since I returned to Indiana for the holidays, I have some to realize a few things:

 1.) I DO NOT like snow.

2.) I am a control freak.

3.) I need to give Jesus my life every day.

 4.) And lastly, God knows what He is doing.

What do all these things have in common? I suck without Jesus. I know that when I go back to Jax tomorrow (Jan. 2) that I am going to have to depend on Him even more than I did last year. I am starting in a place where I need to have all my strength come from the Lord. I will be mentoring girls for the next three months and leading an outreach to an unreached nation for two. I was involved with the last school but I never really knew the stress load that came with it all. I am putting all my trust and faith in the Lord, more than I have before. I have to tell myself constantly that Jesus knows what He is doing. I have to depend on Him and Him alone. I have no idea what I will be doing after this DTS but I do know Who does. I have options and as always, am praying through them. Whatever challenges and things I face this year, I am taking them to the Lord first. I have a feeling this year is going to be full of those times. I know He already knows, I just have to trust Him. The Bible says He already knows the plans He has for us, right? So why do I worry? Anyway, I want to leave you with a verse that I am declaring over this year.

The Year of the Lord’s Favor

61 The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,
    because the Lord has anointed me
    to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
    to proclaim freedom for the captives
    and release from darkness for the prisoners,^[a]
2 to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor
    and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
³     and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
    instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
    instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
    instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
    a planting of the Lord
    for the display of his splendor.

⁴ They will rebuild the ancient ruins
    and restore the places long devastated;
they will renew the ruined cities
    that have been devastated for generations.
⁵ Strangers will shepherd your flocks;
    foreigners will work your fields and vineyards.
⁶ And you will be called priests of the Lord,
    you will be named ministers of our God.
You will feed on the wealth of nations,
    and in their riches you will boast.

⁷ Instead of your shame
    you will receive a double portion,
and instead of disgrace
    you will rejoice in your inheritance.
And so you will inherit a double portion in your land,
    and everlasting joy will be yours.

⁸ “For I, the Lord, love justice;
    I hate robbery and wrongdoing.
In my faithfulness I will reward my people
    and make an everlasting covenant with them.
⁹ Their descendants will be known among the nations
    and their offspring among the peoples.
All who see them will acknowledge
    that they are a people the Lord has blessed.”

¹⁰ I delight greatly in the Lord;
    my soul rejoices in my God.
For he has clothed me with garments of salvation
    and arrayed me in a robe of his righteousness,
as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest,
    and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.
¹¹ For as the soil makes the sprout come up
    and a garden causes seeds to grow,
so the Sovereign Lord will make righteousness
    and praise spring up before all nations.

Isaiah 61

Constant and faithful

God is faithful. I had to start out with something steady before I go into this blog. I have another change in plans. So this blog is explaining what has been going on in detail. I am going to be very honest with you all, when I first came to Jacksonville, last year, I had the intentions of leaving for Kenya for a year when DTS finished. By the time outreach ended my heart people in the nations. I knew that when I came back I was not the same person I was when I first came. I was wrecked for overseas missions. A couple months later I attended a three month school of frontier missions which was training me to in long term missions and church planting. During that school I have to have a two year internship working with a church planting team. God placed India on my heart and that’s where I was planning on living for my internship. So much of my time and effort was in planning it that I got lost in it. January was the goal that was placed for that. In the mean time I was going to live on base in Jacksonville and help out in any way I could.

When I arrived back in Jax in September I knew God was going to do major heart surgery again. I didn’t realize how intense it would be. On the very first day back I heard God asking me some questions, and for the next 2 weeks I was ignoring Him. In my head, the mission was simple: get in, get out, done! I wanted to get the next four months done as fast as possible. I didn’t want any distractions from what I had planned. Then on a very ordinary day God stopped me in my tracks and said “Where am I in your plans, Ansley?” I have to admit that I tried to act like nothing was wrong. Everything was in God’s hands and I was a good little Christian. The truth was though, that I had taken my life, my plans, and my dreams from Him. I was in control of everything. That question started me on the journey that I will be on for the rest of my life. It was time for me to put everything back in His hands. This season was the start of learning to die to my flesh. Heart surgery was starting and I had no other choice but to listen and pray. While I was doing that, God was pulling things out of my heart that had taken root. These things consisted of pride, fear, control, jealousy, failure, and hate. Those are only the things He showed me in a few months. I still have more to go. This is something I am going to learn for the rest of my life. I have had to tell myself every day that it’s not about me. I have to daily die to my flesh and allow Abba to work His hand. It’s not been easy to see things in my heart that are keeping me from Jesus. It hurts to have the past brought up again and see things that you have tried to hide from yourself.

I am so glad that I was able to give Daddy my heart because I do not do a good job at keeping it safe. I know that this part of my life is shaping who I will be later in life and am so thankful for God’s grace in it. Since God has been pulling out roots I have found a piece of heart that I have never recognized before. It’s discipleship. I never saw myself here in Jax helping and discipling students. Recently the outreaches for this DTS have been difficult to plan. Lots of things have changed and moved around. I was originally going to lead a team to India with my friend Apps. Now that things have changed and not worked out, the outreaches have changed locations. I am no longer leading a team but instead staying in Jax for a few more months to staff the January DTS. Then in April I will lead a team overseas to the 10/40 window. I know things have changed a lot for me and things are not the same whenever you talk to me. One thing that is always constant and true is God. Even though I have changed what I am doing every month, I’m learning it’s a learning process. I’m learning to hear God’s voice and obey Him. Sometimes I get it wrong. Sometimes I fail, but nothing changes the fact that God is faithful. That’s why I know without a shadow of a doubt that God has my life in His hands. I am falling in love more and more with Him every day because I have to ask Him where and what I should all the time. Intimacy with Jesus is growing me as well. I have seen His heart for these students and for me as well. I have learned and am learning every single day. I have to trust. I have to love. I have to listen. I have nothing but the hope that Jesus is my strength. He keeps saying “be still and know that I AM.”

So in conclusion, I am not perfect. I fail. I mess up. I can be selfish. BUT I have something so constant and strong in my life that no matter what happens I know Who I can turn to. In January, I will be staffing a school. It will challenge, push, and stretch me more than I already have been. It’s going to be a new experience and season but no matter how it is I am going to be still. I am not in control. I have given my life in His hands. Thank you for staying with me on this crazy journey. I am so thankful for your thoughts and prayers. I will be home for Christmas till the 2^nd of January so I hope you can find me. I love you all. Thank you again for sticking with me in my crazy life. Blessings!

I love you like crazy!

~Ans~

 

A new direction to the same place

Hey friends! This blog may be a little longer than normal. Lots of things have been going on the past couple weeks and I have not be able to let anyone know of them. If you read my last blog post it talked a lot about obedience and trusting. India was what I was talking about. Ya see, ever since the students started to move in God spoke to me about my heart and why I was back here. He spoke things that were so clear I thought He was physically standing next to me. When I came back to Jax I was drained. To be honest, I was dead. Being back in Indiana was hard. I was struggling with trying to be the same person that everyone knew me as and then the new one at the same time. I didn't want people to see me different than what they knew. I was being selfish. It takes a lot of effort putting on a mask every day. Plus, I had all of the India to take care of. I was stretching myself thin and going insane. By the time I got back to Jax I was done. I had spent myself and was ready to be my new self again.

Then God said my name, "Ansley, what are you doing?"

"I'm back in Jax and going to focus on India with everything that I have now so I can get ready to leave in January. You told me to come back."

"What are you doing?" He asked again.

I'm getting ready for India."

I heard that question for the next 3 weeks and the conversation repeated like that. I was so confused and wanted to know what He was trying to say. I prayed and asked but He always answered with that question. I had been trying to get my visa the entire time and it was not working out. It was getting lost or deleted or my contacts wouldn't get back to me. I was so fed up and ready to get out of the country. I wanted to go! Then one ordinary day as I was frustrated and trying to plan my life God said, "Ansley, stop."

"What? This is what you told me to do."

"Where am I in your plans?"

"Well, you are right here. After I get over there you lead me to what you want me to do."

"Where am I right now?"

I realized something then. I had been planning my trip and had lost sight of Who was the reason I was going. I had taken God's dream He gave me and made it something that I had dreamed. I wasn’t seeking God and forgot why I was going in the first place. It wasn't because I love India, even though I do. It was because God said to "Go and make disciples of all nations baptizing them in the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit". That was the reason I was going. Not to bring glory to myself but to bring God's love and to see people of the nation’s give glory to God. Then I heard Him say,

"Give me India and you can still have all that I have promised. Hand it to me and we can do it together. Give it to me and be willing to let it die. Die to yourself. This was not your dream in the first place. Listen to me. Obey me. Trust me. I know the plans I have for you and you don't know the half of them. Ansley, let me have India and I will show you what I have planned."

The next week I struggled with learning to die and give up my dreams. I fought and yelled. I kicked and screamed. I cried and cried and cried. It was tough. God was pulling out things in my heart that were so deeply rooted in my heart that I would just lay on my face because it was so difficult. He showed me a new revelation of Him and how He loves me. I heard Him speak things like I have never heard before. I started on a journey that would forever change my heart. By the end of the 3trd week I had surrendered my heart, India, my pride, and my stubbornness. It hurt to give God my heart. But God had something better than anything I can dream or imagine.

After realizing all that in the last few weeks I have been praying about what I should do. God has been showing me why He brought me to Jacksonville in the first place. He told me to put India on the back burner for now. He is still calling me there and I will get the opportunity to start my internship but right now He wants me to stay in the states. My role is starting to become a leadership role. I am learning what it means to lead and how to disciple others in my Church family. My heart is still longing to go overseas and Daddy knows my heart better than anyone. I have recently been given the opportunity to  lead an outreach team to India and Nepal in January. My friend Apps and I will be leading a DTS team of 14 students through the mountains and rivers of south Asia. God has answered my prayer in taking me overseas. He knows the desires of my heart and is so amazing to be giving me this team to help me grow in my leadership and to take His name to the nations. I can explain in more words if anyone would like to know about what God is doing in detail. I just want people and my supporters to know because I don’t want to confuse people.

God promised me India and I know that’s where He has placed on my heart. Right now, though as I’m in the states I am waiting, hearing, and falling in love with Jesus more and more. I don’t know when I will leave for my internship but all I know is that God wants me to be in the present. Not dwelling on the past or living in the future. As I am learning to live here and be content and happy where He has me I have already been able to experience things with His love and live in community where everyone loves Jesus passionately. I have seen and experienced too much now to turn back. I would not give up or regret anything in this life because I know who I am in Christ and have faith in a God that does miracles.

Please be praying for guidance and wisdom in this next season and also for leadership development. I am so excited to be a part of these student’s lives and cannot wait to see what all God has for them. I love them with so much love. I love you all also. Peace and blessings over you. Always, Ans!

 

...Dying...

Trust. Listen. Obey. Love. Die.

Trust in me. I know what I am doing.

Listen to me. I know what I am talking about.

Obey me. I have so much for you.

Love me. The rest will follow.

Die to yourself. I can give you life.

These things should be easy. They should be something I learned as my walk in the Lord grows deeper. I think it is actually harder as time goes on. I don’t know why. I want to do these things. I want to trust and obey and love but I feel like there is this wall that keeps me from fully being able to do these things. I think it might be my pride or my stubbornness. Probably both. It makes me so angry when I can’t do them. It should be something so simple and easy but I just can’t seem to wrap my head around it. I can’t fully trust because how can I if I don’t understand or see the big picture? How can I listen when I sometimes feel like I’m going crazy because of the things He says to me. How can I obey when I can’t even obey my parents at times? How can I love when I don’t get love back or have someone to love on? How do I die to myself when I am so self-absorbed and only do things that benefit me?

I often think about why God picked me out of all the other sheep in the flock. I wonder what great things He sees in me. I feel like I can’t do what He has called me to do sometimes because if I think about how big and grand it all is I get overwhelmed. If I can’t do something so vital in our relationship how can He trust me to do what He wants done? Why me, I ask. I don’t understand. I don’t understand why it’s so hard. I want to obey. I want to tear down these walls that are stopping me from getting closer to Jesus! I just want to die to myself. Jesus, take this life! I don’t want it anymore. I am tired of trying to fix things. I don’t want to run from problems anymore. I want to face them without fear. I need you more and more every day because I fail you every day.

One thing you lack, he said. “Go, sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.” Mark 10:21

Jesus, teach me to sell my things, take up my cross, and follow you. I pray all this in your name, amen.

Friends, sorry this is long overdue. I have been trying to write a blog since I got here but nothing was at peace. I’m sharing a little bit of my heart and the challenge it has been to be back in Jacksonville. I ask for forgiveness for not keeping you up to date. I love you all and will see you soon. Much love and gratitude,

~Ans~

I need You more than yesterday, today, and tommorow, Father....

I need God more. Every day I need Him more. More than the song I sing. More than the air I breathe. More than anything, I need You more, Father. I have come to understand, recently what it means to completely depend on God every day for everything I need. He gives and takes away. I have a week and a half left and I STILL need my God to carry me through each day. I still can’t do it by myself even though I think I can because I have already been broken from a lot of things. I need to ask Jesus every day to help me with my family, friends, issues, problems, pridefullness, joy, my stubbornness, and getting the motivation to get out of bed. I would not be able to do it if I didn’t continually ask for God’s strength each morning. I can tell a difference in both. If I ask, I have this supernatural strength that could only come from God. When I don’t ask, it takes everything I can muster up to be able to make it even to lunch time. I struggle with family more and I get so angry I want to spit. That does not come from God. That comes from my selfish pride and thinking that I can do things by myself for a while. Well ya know what… I CAN’T DO IT WITHOUT JESUS! No matter how hard I try I am always going to fail my God if my strength doesn’t come from Him. I still fail Him daily when I ask but at least I am learning and growing from it. I just give the devil a bigger foot hold when I let him take my anger.

I have a few more days left. I can see the horizon of this chapter. I still have to finish strong. I can’t stop now. God gave me direct orders to go. So when I go I need to keep up my part of the deal and ask for help. I need to remember that no matter how hard, no matter how tough, no matter how uncomfortable, scary, big, stinky, amazing, long, short, skinny, tall, and maybe handsome people and places may get I need to know. I need to tell myself that God has set before a task that He has placed ahead of me. He is not going to send me to a place where He isn’t. He is going ahead of me to show, grow, and dominate India. I am a child of God. He is my King. Jesus is all I need. All I will ever need. Nothing else can satisfy me the way Father does. He has transformed my heart into a beautiful, scarred piece of art. I am never going to be the same person I was yesterday, or today, or tomorrow. He has given me all the tools I need. Now I need to use them for His name. For every tongue, tribe, and nation. I am going to do great things for the Kingdom of God because He is working through and in me. I love Jesus!

I can’t wait to see what else is in store these last few days. I hope some of you make it out to Greensburg Community Church this Sunday because if you would like to hear more about my upcoming adventure and what else Father is doing in my heart, I will be speaking during education. Please keep me in your prayers as always and may God touch your heart today. Love all of you and God bless!

Therefore, go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.
~Matt. 28:19-20~

I get a little bit stronger

What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. Some of the truest words to come from Miss Kelly Clarkson herself. This song speaks volumes, in my opinion. It goes right along with my favorite verses in Romans 5:1-5. Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ,  through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God.  Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance;  perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.
It talks about how even though life may suck, get me down, it may even beat the crap outta me, but if I continue to seek after Him, glory will be mine. It builds perseverance. It deveolps my character. It strengthens my hope in God. With these things, I grow closer in my relationship with God. I learn to seek after God when everything around me is falling to pieces. I have leaned through the trials this far that Father is preparing me for the rest of my life. He has me here in this position now, to teach me to trust Him with every aspect of my life.
Even though the battles continue everyday and I may not be strong enough to face the day alone I have Someone who is always there. I daily, ask for trength to face whatever comes my way during that day. I pray this verse constantly over my life, so that I may be able to bring God glory in my storms. He is the only strength that gets me through my days. He is the only strength that will get me through India, and He is the only One who gives me the opportunity to make those rough days, building days. I will battle each battle in Jesus name. I will run to God when all the odds are against me. And then,
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger,
Stand a little taller.
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone,
What doesn't kill you makes a fighter,
Footsteps even lighter.

My life vs. His life

It sure is good to be back in Greensburg! Corn, real trees, family, friends, oh and hot weather too! All of these things I have been anxious to get back to. I have thanked God so much for blessing me with such an awesome support system at home.
So after I got that off my chest there is something that I feel like I need to share with you. God has been showing me lately that He wants to get personal with me. You hear sometimes how people talk about Him being a personal God but that didn't really sound good to me. To get personal with someone means that people have to have a deep relationship. It involves getting down, dirty, sticky, and knowing the good, the bad, and the ugly. It involves communicating which I am not very good at in the speaking to people department. And frankly, it means knowing the deepest, darkest secrets of someone. Just like a best friend. God wants to be more than a best friend though. He wants to be the first one I run to when I get scared. He wants to know how I feel about something. He wants to be worth more than a go-to kind of guy. He wants to have all your love. He is a jealous God.
He has been challenging me. Asking me why He isn't the first one I go to when I feel sad. He asked me a week ago that if my family turned their backs on me if I would still follow Him where He lead me. That got me thinking. If everyone I loved told me that if I left and did what God told me to do, would I be strong enough to stand in my faith, in my trust, in His life, to continue on with my God? My prayer has been asking God to show me the areas of my life that I still need to give to Him so that I can have the deepest rooted relationship with my Father as I can. Like I said, I know it's going to get very messing. I also know that God will be standing there with me. If everyone else leaves me I will still be fine because I know that God is still with me. That will be enough for me because He is all I need. I want Him to be where my help comes from. I want Him more than I want to feel good or more than my desire to go to the nations. I want to get personal with Him.
So what I want to leave you with is this. Have you gotten so close in your relationship with God that He is the first one you run to when things get bad? If not, then me too. I am still trying and learning too. It's not something you can learn over night. Life is a learning process. I just want to encourage you to pray and seek after Him in it and see what He wants you to hear from this. I will be praying for you as you read this post.