Dreaming of Africa

• For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,” declares the LORD, “and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you,” declares the LORD, “and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile.” Jeremiah 29:11
• One night, over Christmas break, I was sitting in my bed. That day was full of worry and doubt, mainly about things that I thought God was too big to handle. I remember telling Him that what I was worrying about were small and insignificant to Him. Then I remembered what I had been hearing in my head all day. “I know the plans I have for you. I know the plans I have for you. I know the plans I have for you.” I memorized it growing up as a Christian but this time, it had more meaning to it than back then. I opened to this verse to read it out loud and I remember God coming into the room and just like someone would stand in your room, He was there. Telling me that He knew and knows the plans He has. It was like the whole world stopped and for a second I had no more worries. He had everything in His hands and that my worrying is something I needed to get rid of because it gets in the way of what He wants to do through me. Then peace flooded me. It was like I knew that I knew that I knew that He had made a way for those things to turn out good, for my sake. I have been repeating this to myself since that night, trying to keep my head up towards the Lord. He is faithful. There is nothing I want more than to be wherever He takes me. I never want to disobey God because some stupid fear or worry I have. All I want to do is be in His will and to love and obey the one Who created me. I want my heart to be on fire and burn with an everlasting flame of His love and passion. I want more of God. Every day I search His heart for new things. I get rid of doubt, worry, and fear because in the Kingdom of God, nothing but love is allowed. That is the way I live my life. Wholeheartedly abandoned for the One Who gave it all for me. Today, as I sit here once again in a coffee shop, looking over the past couple of months I say to myself, “my, have you grown.” I look back on that day like it was a long time ago but realizing it’s only been a month. I see a woman who put her selfish desires aside to run after something that seemed at the time, impossible. Yet now I stand and say that I am running with a dream that God has made possible. My dream as a little girl to go to Africa, has been answered, and more than once, in less than a year. I am overwhelmed by what I have seen God do since the beginning of this year. I understand now more than ever that the more I seek God and what He has for my life, the more I want to give my life back to Him as a sacrifice. His love has changed me. His Spirit has filled me. And His Word leads me. I am so honored to be able to share this journey of finding love with you all. Love is what motivates me. I want to see God’s love transform the lives I come into contact with. I live for the purpose of loving those who have no love. I live to know God more. I live to love. Thank you for your prayers and support. No words can describe the way I feel. Keep updated with me as the trip gets closer and as I learn more of Jesus’ heart.
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At the altar

“At the altar, belief and action kissed, and extremist for love was born.” The belief started in the Lord, the action followed, and the love grew. I believe the altar symbolizes things you have to lay down, sacrifice everything, even what you believe the Lord has promised you. We do not pursue the promises, we pursue God and everything else follows. I do not know which way you are supposed to go, I just felt like I heard the Lord say “bring it to the altar.” Sacrifice is a symbol of worship and puts us in a posture of humility and trust before God for clearer guidance towards His heart and His desires alone.

This was a word from a friend, recently. I had asked her to ask the Lord what I should do about something because I was not hearing Him. I was too concerned with what my thoughts were saying and not listening to Him. When she texted me this I had to stop what I was doing because there was something in those words that hit me. Sacrifice. Guys, I don’t know what it means to sacrifice. I live in America for crying out loud. Everything I could ever ask for is at the disposal of my hands. I have everything I need and can throw out anything I don’t need. I don’t, for a second, know what sacrifice means. Around here we use it loosely. Oh, I sacrificed my time to be with you or I sacrificed going to the movies instead of church. But when I looked up the word, this is what I found:

1.)    the offering of animal, plant, or human life or of some material possession to a deity, as in propitiation or homage.

2.)    the surrender or destruction of something prized or desirable for the sake of something considered as having a higher or more pressing claim.

3.)    the thing so surrendered or devoted.

4.)    a loss incurred in selling something below its value.

(reference from www.dictionary.com)

All of these are about giving up, surrendering something that is of value. It’s not something of value like a car or food. It’s something like Abraham giving up his son because the Lord said to. It’s giving up a reputation like Mary did because she was a virgin giving birth to a child. It’s like giving up a life, just like the man who took on flesh and died for me. Knowing that things could get worse and more bad things were going to happen if this sacrifice was complete; each of these people gave up their own rights. They gave up their own thoughts and feelings because of a God who said to. This God loves them so why would He tell them to do these things? I don’t know either, maybe so that they would grow closer in relationship with Him. I don’t know why He does it. BUT I do know one thing; He wouldn't tell me to do something without a reason. He loves me. I still don’t know the true meaning of sacrifice. I have been thinking about doing something to symbolize it with a fire but I haven’t gotten around to it. I just want it to be meaningful so that when the time comes my sacrifice is out of love and not out of fear or selfish gain. If God ever tells me to sacrifice my child or my reputation I pray that I would love Him enough to do it. I don’t want to make anything else my god, except the Man Who once gave His entire life for me, little ‘ol me. I pray that the depth of sacrifice is etched deep in my heart so that when God tells me to do something; I do it, because I love Him.

Then God said, “Take your son, your only son, whom you love—Isaac—and go to the region of Moriah. Sacrifice him there as a burnt offering on a mountain I will show you.”

Genesis 22:1-3

People, I want more of God. I want all that He can give me. Thanks for reading my blog and listening to me babble about things that are on my heart. I know it’s messing but it supposed to be right? I am not trying to hide anything so what you are reading is raw, straight form my heart. Thanks again for going on this journey with me. Keep reading as I grow closer to the heart of God and please let me know what is going on in your hearts. I love real life stuff. God bless and may the Lord’s love hit you today. 

Ocean deep in His love

Have mercy on me, O God, because of your unfailing love.

Because of your great compassion, blot out the stain of my sins.

Wash me clean from my guilt. Purify me from my sin.

For I recognize my rebellion; it haunts me day and night.

Against you, and you alone, have I sinned; I have done what is evil in your sight. You will be proved right in what you say, and your judgment against me is just. For I was born a sinner—yes, from the moment my mother conceived me. But you desire honesty from the womb,

teaching me wisdom even there. Purify me from my sins, and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow. Oh, give me back my joy again; you have broken me—now let me rejoice. Don’t keep looking at my sins. Remove the stain of my guilt. Create in me a clean heart, O God. Renew a loyal spirit within me. Do not banish me from your presence, and don’t take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and make me willing to obey you. Then I will teach your ways to rebels, and they will return to you. Forgive me for shedding blood, O God who saves; then I will joyfully sing of your forgiveness. Unseal my lips, O Lord, that my mouth may praise you. You do not desire a sacrifice, or I would offer one. You do not want a burnt offering. The sacrifice you desire is a broken spirit. You will not reject a broken and repentant heart, O God. Look with favor on Zion and help her; rebuild the walls of Jerusalem. Then you will be pleased with sacrifices offered in the right spirit— with burnt offerings and whole burnt offerings. Then bulls will again be sacrificed on your altar.

This passage comes from Psalm 51. It was right after David had committed adultery with Bathsheba, Nathan, a prophet, came to David and had a word from the Lord. This psalm is a reaction to David's humble response from Nathan's word. His cry out to God reflects what I feel like this season. I'll share a little bit from my heart about where God has been taking me...

I have been desperate. I have been in pain. I have felt alone and confused, but this time it's more than that. After coming home from Tunisia this spring I have been battling things inside my heart. I have seen things in myself that I have been wanting to change and grow in but have never had enough strength to fully pull through it. I see  things in myself that I know I need to get rid of but it seems like I keep falling deeper and deeper into those thing. It seems to have put me in this deep hole in the ground with no escape route. I have become even more desperate and even more in a place where I am constantly crying. I'm crying out to God and asking Him to take these things from me because I know they keep me from being closer to Him. All I want is to be near Him. To know Him. To be like my King. And to a point, the things I want to stop doing, or my sin, are keeping me from fully knowing Him. It frustrates me because I am trying and trying and trying but all that keeps coming to my head is that I am a failure. I know I can't get rid of this stuff by myself so I turn to God and ask Him to help but all I hear Him say is, "I love you." That is not the answer I want to hear. I want to hear Him say, oh my darling, we can do this. I am helping You. I will instantly take them from you so you and I can be closer... BUT He isn't saying that. After a while of being told He loved me I finally asked God what that meant. This is what Daddy told me; My Daughter, I love you because I love you. I love you because I created you. I love you because you are Mine. I want to be with you. I don't want you to worry about these "things" you want to get rid of. That's not the point. I don't want you striving. I don't love you more based on these "things" you get rid of. I love you just like this. Just like the way you are, in this state. I love you where your heart is right now. Stop trying to get more love out of me because I already love you far beyond anything you can dream about. My beloved daughter, I love YOU. I want you to know that you have nothing to worry about. I told you that from the very first time we met that I loved you. I still mean it. I am not leaving. Ansley, my chosen one, you come from My garden. I picked you. I love you. I will lead you and guide you. I have your life now. 

For the next few days after that the Lord confirmed that word by sending people to me to tell me that He loved me. He sent people very important to me to tell me that I am worth it. One friend very close to my heart, who I have only known for a little bit told me that they loved me as well and that was incredible. That broke the wall. 

I am looking ahead into the future of the woman that God has placed inside of me. I see this woman who is confident in herself, she is humble when she is wrong, and who knows who she is. This woman is beautiful. She is strong, mighty, and full of love. I want to be able to walk into a room or just simply touch someone with them knowing that they are loved by me. More than that, that there is something different in my love. My love is Christ's love. I want that to be my life mission. To make God's love known, wherever I go. In order for me to share and give that love I must also experience and know that love myself. I pray everyday that God would open another part of my heart to love because I want everyone I meet to know that love. I can only give as much as I have received.
I will leave you with one last passage from Hosea which is speaking to the deepest and darkest parts of  my heart. It is helping me see God is  a whole new light, and frankly, I love it. I love Jesus. So here it is and  I hope it speaks to you as well.

“But then I will win her back once again.
  I will lead her into the desert

    and speak tenderly to her there."

Hosea 2:14

Giving it all away

   Sometimes I feel like Paul. You know, Paul from the Bible. Paul was a man infamous for the deeds he did against the Church before Christ. He tried to do everything he could to rebuke Christ. Then Jesus came to him so radically. To me, he is one of the greatest heroes of the faith. His persistence and perseverance to Jesus is so inspiring. His radical transformation has encouraged me and so many others before me to keep pressing in to Jesus, no matter what it costs. I guess what I want to talk about is how I am feeling more and more of what it means to truly give it all to Jesus.

   The further I get into my walk with Christ the more I am realizing how precious Jesus is. I don't think I could express it enough of how much I love Jesus. I am exploding with words that have no meaning. And I am bursting with this fierce passion and desire to know Him more. As I get to know Him more I am also learning about myself. I am seeing parts of me that aren't so pure in some actions and responses.  I see each day that I need to lay my life down. Just because I made that one-time altar call, doesn't mean I am following Him the rest of my days. I realized shortly thereafter, that I needed to continually give it all to Him. I was still stuck in my old ways and habits, even though I was clean and forgiven; I still had and have a lot of work to be done in my heart. I am never going to get it all out until the Jesus returns.  Once I realized that I was headed for a lifestyle of giving my life to Jesus, I became even more apt to throwing Jesus the rope. Granted, I still have a tight hold in some areas, I am willing to walk through it and let Him show me how to let go.

   A prime example of that is India. Remember last year when I was all excited to be moving to India and I was telling God I was so willing to go? I had it all planned out; I had been in contact with people, researched the country and people I was going to, I had places to stay and a ministry to work with. I was ready to leave as soon as I could, January could not come soon enough. Then, when I came back to Jax Beach to help staff, Jesus spoke to me, He told that I had lost focus on what I was supposed to be trying to do. I was supposed to be focusing on entirely Him. When I first heard Him tell me that, I denied it and said it wasn't God, but it kept coming up relentlessly. Then things were getting harder to plan. My visa stuff was getting lost and deleted, communication with my contacts was deteriorating and I felt my heart was being torn into a million little pieces. It was in that state of brokenness when Jesus started breaking me of my selfishness and pride. I realized I had not been giving Him India. I mean, don’t get me wrong, God wasn't saying not for me to go, but it just wasn't my time and I was not focused on God. So I realized again how I needed to keep giving my life to Jesus. Besides He knows the plans He has for me. I just need to focus on Who He is and not focus more on what He is giving and doing for me. Though they are good things, He is who I live for, not myself. With lots of prayer, crying out, searching, and reading I continued giving it to God. It was hard because my heart was so invested into it, that I had to put my flesh aside. I had to literally give it to God. I got a picture in my head one time of me taking my heart out of my chest and handing it to God. I believe that is what it means to give everything to God. Ya know?
Think about it. Your heart is what keeps you alive and moving. The heart carries so much pressure that it has the most important job. Jesus speaks about giving up the flesh and giving Him everything. That word "everything", I think, means your entire heart. I am sure there are more things it means to but for me everything was my heart. My heart was so precious to me. I love Jesus so much though that I want to give everything to Him. I do not care if it kills me. That’s what I am supposed to do!

"For to me, to live is Christ and to DIE is gain." Philippians 1:21 (emphasis added by me)

So I am dying every time I give my heart to Jesus, and it hurt. It hurts like hell sometimes. Literally! I feel like I am going through hell when I give my heart to Jesus. When you rip an organ out of your body it hurts. But in the end, I trust God in what He is doing with my heart. Guys, I love Jesus with all my heart. I want to do anything He says. It takes me a while to do it but that’s all part of the process. From all of my fears to all of my failures, Jesus, take it all. All of me Lord.

   When I pray, I ask that He reveals to me more of His love and His wisdom. I’m not boasting but I want to give you a real testimony. I pray this knowing that the more I ask of Him the more He is going to reveal Himself to me and the more I will see more of myself as well. It’s a scary thought, seeing more of myself, because I don't feel like a saint on the inside. But, y’all, Jesus is what I live for. He is my strength, my love, my compassion, my smile. He is in me and uses me through my mistakes and STILL loves me. That right there is what keeps me so interested in Him. The FACT that He still loves me through all of my crap. Never have I found a man that does that to me. I see Him at times when I feel like a loser, I see Him standing in this romantic field of wild flowers. His arms are spread wide open and the warmest smile on His face, inviting me into His embrace. I can’t help but run straight into them. I know that no matter how much I fail, fall, run, or hide that NO MATTER WHAT, Jesus is waiting for me to come back to Him. And that is why I am willing to give Him everything. My heart is so wrapped up in His. It’s an automatic response.

So, after throwing up all of my words to you I think this is a good place as any to stop. I hope Jesus spoke to you in one way or another. I pray my life is encouraging to you and that Jesus becomes real to you. I pray that the Lord would show you more of His love for you personally. Thanks for all the encouraging words and prayers. They mean more than you know. I love you all like crazy! God bless!

Rainbows teach me to trust

I promise.

Somehow when I hear God speak those words, I know that I will one day see that promise. No matter how impossible it seems. He said once that no matter what you see on the outside it doesn't it doesn't matter. The real stuff is on the inside. When He says stuff like that, I just sit there with my mouth wide open and in humility because I know He is right. I saw it in my own life. His promises from the very beginning, after all, came true. Maybe with some time and hard work but they always came true. He kept His promise to Abraham, didn't He? So why am I stuck on the smaller promises to me? It just puts things into perspective right?

God has been speaking to me about a certain thing for more than year now. And every day I have heard Him say “Trust Me.” For the last few months I have seen a rainbow or heard the word promise every day. I think He is trying to tell me something important. I think He wants me to trust and hold on to Him. That is what I am doing right now. When He speaks about this promise I have this peace that surpasses understanding. I know that everything is going to be ok. That’s when I realize how BIG my God is. Because He cares enough about the little stuff in my life, He would tell me every single day to trust Him.

I trusted Him enough to devote my life to Him so trusting Him with other things should be easier right? Well, it seems like a big struggle for me at times, but I do know something. I know that my God is good and no matter what happens with this promise, I now that God is still good. So with the Promise that has stuck since the beginning of time I will praise Him no matter how my life turns out. He is constant and always works things out for my good. I just need to trust Him.

That, my friends, is all I need to know.

And God said, “This is the covenant I am making between me and you and every living creature with you, a covenant for all generations to come: I have set my rainbow in the clouds, and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and the earth. Whenever I bring clouds over the earth and the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will remember my covenant between me and you and all living creatures of every kind. Never again will the waters become the flood to destroy all life. Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on earth.” So God said to Noah, “This is the sign of the covenant I have established between me and all life on the earth.”

Genesis 9:12-17

Love ya like crazy,

~Ans~

Story of my life... LOVE!

The heart is an amazing thing. It’s what keeps us alive and well in life. It holds up pretty well in stressful situations and takes in and reuses blood throughout the whole body. The heart also loves much. It is fragile and can give so much. It offers a lot and sometimes gets nothing in return.

My heart. Let’s just talk about this for a second. For the past almost two years now, I have been taken on a journey of love. I think I have used this phrase a few times but I will kind of explain what I mean. What I mean is that since the time I gave my entire life to Christ and allowed Him to lead me I have gone on a wild goose chase with God, trying to find out what God says about love. I have read, experienced, read some more, and asked Him for love. I have gone on a journey so deep and so crazy that love is deep inside of me. My heart has expanded and been transformed by the Love the Father has shown and given me. I asked Him to radically love me so that I would not even think about turning away from Him because I knew that I needed to taste and see something so Good that I would not want to turn from Him again. He has been doing that since the first time I met Him. He has been my only desire since that moment. He has placed people in my life that are hard to love. Some I have failed, some I have loved, but I realized in all of it that He loves me more than I could ever discover in this life.

I bet you are thinking, why does she always talks about love?… Well, because just for that very fact. He loved me so radically that I desire to share that love. That’s why I love what I do. I get to share that radical Love I had asked for. Recently though I feel like I can’t love. Wait let me rephrase that. I feel like God has taken my heart out of my chest. I think He is placing things deeper inside of me that He can’t put in unless my heart is vulnerable. I’ll give you an example of what I mean. So, like, when I walk down the streets here in Africa and see all the beggar people I can literally feel my heart aching for them. It leaps to be with them. I want to lie on the ground next to them, hug them, kiss them, and tell them how much Jesus loves them. I feel like my heart is being ripped into a million pieces. I FEEL God’s heart. I don’t know how to explain in human words how it feels but that’s the closest I can say. There is more than that though. Especially this one guy that has a flower bag. He walks around the city with a bag full of roses and sells them. Did I mention he probably was thrown out on the streets by his family because he is mentally handicapped? Did I also say that he walks with a massive limp, like his leg is broken? Did I mention that when I look in his eyes I see hurt. I see pain. I see rejection. I see how much he needs just a hug. When I see him, sometimes I have to close my eyes because my love for him is so intense. He is loved by a God he has probably never even heard of His love before. He is a kid who has no family, the government controls him, and people shoo him away because he is a bother. I call him flower boy. He is loved by the King and he makes me cry by just doing what he is told. My heart is in a big mush on the floor right now.  

When I speak of my heart being vulnerable, flower boy is what I mean by that. I mean that my heart is so much laid out before the Lord that He has full reign to do whatever He wishes to do with it. Even if it means being a stretch for me, stepping out of my comfort zone to just say hello or buy one flower. I have come to realize on this outreach that I need to start being more crazy in Love. I need to be able to look like a fool for Him. He did for me, right? I want to honor Him in my life and allow His love to grow more in me. He is the One I am representing anyway, not myself.

So, I guess to sum up outreach I would say it was a lot of crying. I cried because my heart was having surgery done. I may not have done a lot in the natural but I know that outreach isn't just about the people. It’s about me and Him too. I have no regrets in this time. I have “I wish I would of said something’s” but no regrets. I know that God works things together for His Good. Even if I disobey or just want to cry. He is still faithful.

A good phrase I have heard recently that is sticking with me is “He is making all things new, in me and in the world.” So, to conclude my time here in Africa (my childhood dream) I would put it simply like this. I love Him and others because He first loved me (us). (1 John 4:19)

Love you all like crazy and will see you in 2 weeksish!!!!!

~Ans~

This is a picture of the team worshiping Jesus on a rooftop. It was a rooftop experience.

Jesus is in Tunisia

Jesus, you have gone before me and set my feet on solid ground. You have prepared a Way for me. I chose to look to Your face for anytime I am in trouble. I love You Lord. All the days of my life I will proclaim Your love. May Your light shine from my face. Show me Your Glory!

Outreach is hard. I'm not going to sugar coat anything. It is hard! I miss my friends & family. I miss Jax! I am getting annoyed with people. I feel like I am being challenged by students on decisions Misty and I make. Language barriers are overwhelming. Men look at American women like a piece of meat, that are loose. I feel violated and disrespected every time I go out without one of our guys. The Muslim women are so oppressed. I'm tired and weak. I want a cheeseburger. I want bacon! I want my mom.... Sometimes I want to give up and call it quits.  

Then I remember one thing. Jesus loves me. He loves me. He loved me when I was away from Him. He loved me when I rejected Him. He loved me and was with me when I ran as far as I could from Him. He reminded me tonight that even though I may be struggling with stepping out and speaking to people, even though there seems to be no hope for these people He told me to look at myself a few years ago. He said "Ansley, don't you remember how hopeless you felt? Don't you know that, that same hopelessness you felt then, is what these people feel now?! Show them what you found. Show them how much I love them. Show them. Let them experience the freedom I have brought YOU!" . 

I realized today that it's not all about me. It's not about how I feel, or what I should do. It's just about how God wants to use me. I need to be so sensitive to His voice and listening constantly for what He wants to do in people's lives. He has already brought me to this beautiful place but now I need to do my part. I need to TRUST Him! I need to believe that God is going to use and move through me. I need to show people the love and freedom I have found in my Jesus. He is so beautiful and captivating.

I do what I do so I can share the love of Christ to people. Not the love of Ansley! I am only a vessel for God to use me. So when I feel like I am useless then I need to stand up and respond in the opposite spirit. I am not useless. I am able. God is my strength. That is when freedom reigns. THAT IS WHEN LIVES ARE CHANGED FOREVER! God is here and moving in Tunisia. He is stirring people's hearts. Please pray that God gives them dreams and visions of Him. That is the biggest way Muslims encounter Jesus for the first time. That opens HUGE doors for us. 

Guys, I am sorry for this being a soap box sometimes but this helps gets my feelings out. Writing it out helps me to rediscover what I did today and think and process through it. I hope you all enjoy the blogs. I will do them as often as I can. Don't forget to signup for them because that will help you keep up better if you want to. 

Don't forget that Jesus loves you too! He is in the States as much as He is over here. Keep praying for the team and I. I love y'all like crazy!!!!
~Ans~

P.s. here is a picture of Misty and I over Malaga, Spain!  :)