Giving it all away

   Sometimes I feel like Paul. You know, Paul from the Bible. Paul was a man infamous for the deeds he did against the Church before Christ. He tried to do everything he could to rebuke Christ. Then Jesus came to him so radically. To me, he is one of the greatest heroes of the faith. His persistence and perseverance to Jesus is so inspiring. His radical transformation has encouraged me and so many others before me to keep pressing in to Jesus, no matter what it costs. I guess what I want to talk about is how I am feeling more and more of what it means to truly give it all to Jesus.

   The further I get into my walk with Christ the more I am realizing how precious Jesus is. I don't think I could express it enough of how much I love Jesus. I am exploding with words that have no meaning. And I am bursting with this fierce passion and desire to know Him more. As I get to know Him more I am also learning about myself. I am seeing parts of me that aren't so pure in some actions and responses.  I see each day that I need to lay my life down. Just because I made that one-time altar call, doesn't mean I am following Him the rest of my days. I realized shortly thereafter, that I needed to continually give it all to Him. I was still stuck in my old ways and habits, even though I was clean and forgiven; I still had and have a lot of work to be done in my heart. I am never going to get it all out until the Jesus returns.  Once I realized that I was headed for a lifestyle of giving my life to Jesus, I became even more apt to throwing Jesus the rope. Granted, I still have a tight hold in some areas, I am willing to walk through it and let Him show me how to let go.

   A prime example of that is India. Remember last year when I was all excited to be moving to India and I was telling God I was so willing to go? I had it all planned out; I had been in contact with people, researched the country and people I was going to, I had places to stay and a ministry to work with. I was ready to leave as soon as I could, January could not come soon enough. Then, when I came back to Jax Beach to help staff, Jesus spoke to me, He told that I had lost focus on what I was supposed to be trying to do. I was supposed to be focusing on entirely Him. When I first heard Him tell me that, I denied it and said it wasn't God, but it kept coming up relentlessly. Then things were getting harder to plan. My visa stuff was getting lost and deleted, communication with my contacts was deteriorating and I felt my heart was being torn into a million little pieces. It was in that state of brokenness when Jesus started breaking me of my selfishness and pride. I realized I had not been giving Him India. I mean, don’t get me wrong, God wasn't saying not for me to go, but it just wasn't my time and I was not focused on God. So I realized again how I needed to keep giving my life to Jesus. Besides He knows the plans He has for me. I just need to focus on Who He is and not focus more on what He is giving and doing for me. Though they are good things, He is who I live for, not myself. With lots of prayer, crying out, searching, and reading I continued giving it to God. It was hard because my heart was so invested into it, that I had to put my flesh aside. I had to literally give it to God. I got a picture in my head one time of me taking my heart out of my chest and handing it to God. I believe that is what it means to give everything to God. Ya know?
Think about it. Your heart is what keeps you alive and moving. The heart carries so much pressure that it has the most important job. Jesus speaks about giving up the flesh and giving Him everything. That word "everything", I think, means your entire heart. I am sure there are more things it means to but for me everything was my heart. My heart was so precious to me. I love Jesus so much though that I want to give everything to Him. I do not care if it kills me. That’s what I am supposed to do!

"For to me, to live is Christ and to DIE is gain." Philippians 1:21 (emphasis added by me)

So I am dying every time I give my heart to Jesus, and it hurt. It hurts like hell sometimes. Literally! I feel like I am going through hell when I give my heart to Jesus. When you rip an organ out of your body it hurts. But in the end, I trust God in what He is doing with my heart. Guys, I love Jesus with all my heart. I want to do anything He says. It takes me a while to do it but that’s all part of the process. From all of my fears to all of my failures, Jesus, take it all. All of me Lord.

   When I pray, I ask that He reveals to me more of His love and His wisdom. I’m not boasting but I want to give you a real testimony. I pray this knowing that the more I ask of Him the more He is going to reveal Himself to me and the more I will see more of myself as well. It’s a scary thought, seeing more of myself, because I don't feel like a saint on the inside. But, y’all, Jesus is what I live for. He is my strength, my love, my compassion, my smile. He is in me and uses me through my mistakes and STILL loves me. That right there is what keeps me so interested in Him. The FACT that He still loves me through all of my crap. Never have I found a man that does that to me. I see Him at times when I feel like a loser, I see Him standing in this romantic field of wild flowers. His arms are spread wide open and the warmest smile on His face, inviting me into His embrace. I can’t help but run straight into them. I know that no matter how much I fail, fall, run, or hide that NO MATTER WHAT, Jesus is waiting for me to come back to Him. And that is why I am willing to give Him everything. My heart is so wrapped up in His. It’s an automatic response.

So, after throwing up all of my words to you I think this is a good place as any to stop. I hope Jesus spoke to you in one way or another. I pray my life is encouraging to you and that Jesus becomes real to you. I pray that the Lord would show you more of His love for you personally. Thanks for all the encouraging words and prayers. They mean more than you know. I love you all like crazy! God bless!