...Dying...

Trust. Listen. Obey. Love. Die.

Trust in me. I know what I am doing.

Listen to me. I know what I am talking about.

Obey me. I have so much for you.

Love me. The rest will follow.

Die to yourself. I can give you life.

These things should be easy. They should be something I learned as my walk in the Lord grows deeper. I think it is actually harder as time goes on. I don’t know why. I want to do these things. I want to trust and obey and love but I feel like there is this wall that keeps me from fully being able to do these things. I think it might be my pride or my stubbornness. Probably both. It makes me so angry when I can’t do them. It should be something so simple and easy but I just can’t seem to wrap my head around it. I can’t fully trust because how can I if I don’t understand or see the big picture? How can I listen when I sometimes feel like I’m going crazy because of the things He says to me. How can I obey when I can’t even obey my parents at times? How can I love when I don’t get love back or have someone to love on? How do I die to myself when I am so self-absorbed and only do things that benefit me?

I often think about why God picked me out of all the other sheep in the flock. I wonder what great things He sees in me. I feel like I can’t do what He has called me to do sometimes because if I think about how big and grand it all is I get overwhelmed. If I can’t do something so vital in our relationship how can He trust me to do what He wants done? Why me, I ask. I don’t understand. I don’t understand why it’s so hard. I want to obey. I want to tear down these walls that are stopping me from getting closer to Jesus! I just want to die to myself. Jesus, take this life! I don’t want it anymore. I am tired of trying to fix things. I don’t want to run from problems anymore. I want to face them without fear. I need you more and more every day because I fail you every day.

One thing you lack, he said. “Go, sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.” Mark 10:21

Jesus, teach me to sell my things, take up my cross, and follow you. I pray all this in your name, amen.

Friends, sorry this is long overdue. I have been trying to write a blog since I got here but nothing was at peace. I’m sharing a little bit of my heart and the challenge it has been to be back in Jacksonville. I ask for forgiveness for not keeping you up to date. I love you all and will see you soon. Much love and gratitude,

~Ans~

I need You more than yesterday, today, and tommorow, Father....

I need God more. Every day I need Him more. More than the song I sing. More than the air I breathe. More than anything, I need You more, Father. I have come to understand, recently what it means to completely depend on God every day for everything I need. He gives and takes away. I have a week and a half left and I STILL need my God to carry me through each day. I still can’t do it by myself even though I think I can because I have already been broken from a lot of things. I need to ask Jesus every day to help me with my family, friends, issues, problems, pridefullness, joy, my stubbornness, and getting the motivation to get out of bed. I would not be able to do it if I didn’t continually ask for God’s strength each morning. I can tell a difference in both. If I ask, I have this supernatural strength that could only come from God. When I don’t ask, it takes everything I can muster up to be able to make it even to lunch time. I struggle with family more and I get so angry I want to spit. That does not come from God. That comes from my selfish pride and thinking that I can do things by myself for a while. Well ya know what… I CAN’T DO IT WITHOUT JESUS! No matter how hard I try I am always going to fail my God if my strength doesn’t come from Him. I still fail Him daily when I ask but at least I am learning and growing from it. I just give the devil a bigger foot hold when I let him take my anger.

I have a few more days left. I can see the horizon of this chapter. I still have to finish strong. I can’t stop now. God gave me direct orders to go. So when I go I need to keep up my part of the deal and ask for help. I need to remember that no matter how hard, no matter how tough, no matter how uncomfortable, scary, big, stinky, amazing, long, short, skinny, tall, and maybe handsome people and places may get I need to know. I need to tell myself that God has set before a task that He has placed ahead of me. He is not going to send me to a place where He isn’t. He is going ahead of me to show, grow, and dominate India. I am a child of God. He is my King. Jesus is all I need. All I will ever need. Nothing else can satisfy me the way Father does. He has transformed my heart into a beautiful, scarred piece of art. I am never going to be the same person I was yesterday, or today, or tomorrow. He has given me all the tools I need. Now I need to use them for His name. For every tongue, tribe, and nation. I am going to do great things for the Kingdom of God because He is working through and in me. I love Jesus!

I can’t wait to see what else is in store these last few days. I hope some of you make it out to Greensburg Community Church this Sunday because if you would like to hear more about my upcoming adventure and what else Father is doing in my heart, I will be speaking during education. Please keep me in your prayers as always and may God touch your heart today. Love all of you and God bless!

Therefore, go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.
~Matt. 28:19-20~

I get a little bit stronger

What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. Some of the truest words to come from Miss Kelly Clarkson herself. This song speaks volumes, in my opinion. It goes right along with my favorite verses in Romans 5:1-5. Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ,  through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God.  Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance;  perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.
It talks about how even though life may suck, get me down, it may even beat the crap outta me, but if I continue to seek after Him, glory will be mine. It builds perseverance. It deveolps my character. It strengthens my hope in God. With these things, I grow closer in my relationship with God. I learn to seek after God when everything around me is falling to pieces. I have leaned through the trials this far that Father is preparing me for the rest of my life. He has me here in this position now, to teach me to trust Him with every aspect of my life.
Even though the battles continue everyday and I may not be strong enough to face the day alone I have Someone who is always there. I daily, ask for trength to face whatever comes my way during that day. I pray this verse constantly over my life, so that I may be able to bring God glory in my storms. He is the only strength that gets me through my days. He is the only strength that will get me through India, and He is the only One who gives me the opportunity to make those rough days, building days. I will battle each battle in Jesus name. I will run to God when all the odds are against me. And then,
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger,
Stand a little taller.
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone,
What doesn't kill you makes a fighter,
Footsteps even lighter.

My life vs. His life

It sure is good to be back in Greensburg! Corn, real trees, family, friends, oh and hot weather too! All of these things I have been anxious to get back to. I have thanked God so much for blessing me with such an awesome support system at home.
So after I got that off my chest there is something that I feel like I need to share with you. God has been showing me lately that He wants to get personal with me. You hear sometimes how people talk about Him being a personal God but that didn't really sound good to me. To get personal with someone means that people have to have a deep relationship. It involves getting down, dirty, sticky, and knowing the good, the bad, and the ugly. It involves communicating which I am not very good at in the speaking to people department. And frankly, it means knowing the deepest, darkest secrets of someone. Just like a best friend. God wants to be more than a best friend though. He wants to be the first one I run to when I get scared. He wants to know how I feel about something. He wants to be worth more than a go-to kind of guy. He wants to have all your love. He is a jealous God.
He has been challenging me. Asking me why He isn't the first one I go to when I feel sad. He asked me a week ago that if my family turned their backs on me if I would still follow Him where He lead me. That got me thinking. If everyone I loved told me that if I left and did what God told me to do, would I be strong enough to stand in my faith, in my trust, in His life, to continue on with my God? My prayer has been asking God to show me the areas of my life that I still need to give to Him so that I can have the deepest rooted relationship with my Father as I can. Like I said, I know it's going to get very messing. I also know that God will be standing there with me. If everyone else leaves me I will still be fine because I know that God is still with me. That will be enough for me because He is all I need. I want Him to be where my help comes from. I want Him more than I want to feel good or more than my desire to go to the nations. I want to get personal with Him.
So what I want to leave you with is this. Have you gotten so close in your relationship with God that He is the first one you run to when things get bad? If not, then me too. I am still trying and learning too. It's not something you can learn over night. Life is a learning process. I just want to encourage you to pray and seek after Him in it and see what He wants you to hear from this. I will be praying for you as you read this post.

Thoughts, thoughts, and more of my thoughts

Two weeks. That's all it takes for my friends and I finish school. We are about to take to the field all that we have learned over the last 3 months. For me, it's been the most frustrating, challenging, hardest, funniest, happiest time of my life. God has stretched me far beyond my own limits and well into His. I think differently, speak differently, see myself differently and have been broken from my flesh. I am not the same person from the last time you all saw me.

Over these past few months I have been praying and seeking God in what He wants my life mission statement to be. He wants His love to be the thing that people see when they think of me. This is a big answered prayer because I have been asking God to over flow my cup so much with love that whoever I come in contact with would feel and see His love. That when they think of me they think of Jesus. They think that she has something that I desire for myself. So love is my theme I guess you could say. Love is what compels me to get up in the morning. It compels me to forgive, move on, grow, and love more.  This is why the bible says “love is the greatest of these commandments.”

So I just want to leave you all with three final thoughts. First, ask Father what it is He wants your mission statement to be. What is the theme of your life? Second, let God stretch you out of your comfort zone. It hurts but He knows what is best for you. And lastly, love. Everyone. Every day.

See ya’ll in Greensburg soon! Love and blessings!

Forgiving myself

Jesus, take my life. It isn't made for my pleasure, but to glorify Your name. You have called me out of the life I used to live and into a life of forgiveness, rightousness, and faithfulness. You have placed the path of my life to bring love, joy, peace, and Your name to all the nations. You have called me, of all people, to places I have only dreamed of going. I am leaving the comforts of my home and going to the land God has given me. I want to be used by you Father. I don't want my own personal desires to get in the way of your work. Father use me. In your name, amen.

This prayer has been on my heart the last two weeks. I have been stuggling with the fact that God wants to use me. I still look at myself and see this girl who ran from God and didn't want anything to do with Him. I often ask myself why He would want me even though I treated Him like dirt. I don't understand why He loves me so much. I look in the mirror and I only see a useless, undeserving, worthless, ugly girl. I want God to use me but I don't feel redeemed yet. I know He has forgiven me but I am working on forgiving myself. I think that's just as important as asking for forgivness from Him.

Father, this is my new prayer. I pray that I am able to see myself through Your eyes. I pray that I can see the beautiful woman You have made me so far. I pray that when I look in the mirror I don't see an ugly girl. I see a beautiful woman. I pray I don't see a worthless girl. I see someone worth fighting for. I pray I don't see an undeserving girl. I see a deserving daughter. I pray I don't see a useless girl. I see a girl who can be used in MIGHTY ways through You. I want to see myself through Your eyes. Help me to forgive myself so I can move on and see things in a new perspective. Lord, I pray this in Your name, amen.

Loving the Least of These...

What is love? Is it your first kiss? Is it when you heart skips a beat when they touch you? Is it your first time with someone? Is it when you see your child for the first time? Is it when you say I do?  Is it supposed to hurt so much? Is it real?
God has been challenging me this week about what it means to love someone. Right now I am reading a book by Heidi Baker called Compelled by Love. If you haven't read it, you should. Anyway, it's going through the Beatitudes and the journey God took her on, for her to understand them. As I sit and read it I am so overwhelmed by the way she talks about the children of her orphanages in Mozambique, Africa. She loves these kids with more love, than I have ever imagined. She told a story that has stuck out. One day she found this little girl lying under a tree with scabies, lice, and a bloated belly from malnutrition. She was dying. They took her to a hospital where the doctors were all saying she wasn't going to make it but Heidi knew God had the power to heal her. Heidi she said heard God speak in that moment to pick her up and show her love. Heidi later said that she also caught lice and scabies but it was worth it. The end result was that God gave her life.
She loved this little girl even though she caught the things she had. She loved a little girl that in the world's eyes was dying and not worth it. This, my friends, is love. Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not envy. Love is not jealous. It does not boast. It is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perservers. Love, my friends, never fails.
So if by chance you come across the "unlovable" remember, Father loved you even though you were once unlovable. When you look at someone who's broken and nowhere else to go, remember: whatever you do to the least of these, you do to Him. Jesus loves. And so should you. That's my challenge to you today. To love. Everyone. And think about what that word means to you. I love you with ALL my heart.  <3 God bless you!!