Giving it all away

   Sometimes I feel like Paul. You know, Paul from the Bible. Paul was a man infamous for the deeds he did against the Church before Christ. He tried to do everything he could to rebuke Christ. Then Jesus came to him so radically. To me, he is one of the greatest heroes of the faith. His persistence and perseverance to Jesus is so inspiring. His radical transformation has encouraged me and so many others before me to keep pressing in to Jesus, no matter what it costs. I guess what I want to talk about is how I am feeling more and more of what it means to truly give it all to Jesus.

   The further I get into my walk with Christ the more I am realizing how precious Jesus is. I don't think I could express it enough of how much I love Jesus. I am exploding with words that have no meaning. And I am bursting with this fierce passion and desire to know Him more. As I get to know Him more I am also learning about myself. I am seeing parts of me that aren't so pure in some actions and responses.  I see each day that I need to lay my life down. Just because I made that one-time altar call, doesn't mean I am following Him the rest of my days. I realized shortly thereafter, that I needed to continually give it all to Him. I was still stuck in my old ways and habits, even though I was clean and forgiven; I still had and have a lot of work to be done in my heart. I am never going to get it all out until the Jesus returns.  Once I realized that I was headed for a lifestyle of giving my life to Jesus, I became even more apt to throwing Jesus the rope. Granted, I still have a tight hold in some areas, I am willing to walk through it and let Him show me how to let go.

   A prime example of that is India. Remember last year when I was all excited to be moving to India and I was telling God I was so willing to go? I had it all planned out; I had been in contact with people, researched the country and people I was going to, I had places to stay and a ministry to work with. I was ready to leave as soon as I could, January could not come soon enough. Then, when I came back to Jax Beach to help staff, Jesus spoke to me, He told that I had lost focus on what I was supposed to be trying to do. I was supposed to be focusing on entirely Him. When I first heard Him tell me that, I denied it and said it wasn't God, but it kept coming up relentlessly. Then things were getting harder to plan. My visa stuff was getting lost and deleted, communication with my contacts was deteriorating and I felt my heart was being torn into a million little pieces. It was in that state of brokenness when Jesus started breaking me of my selfishness and pride. I realized I had not been giving Him India. I mean, don’t get me wrong, God wasn't saying not for me to go, but it just wasn't my time and I was not focused on God. So I realized again how I needed to keep giving my life to Jesus. Besides He knows the plans He has for me. I just need to focus on Who He is and not focus more on what He is giving and doing for me. Though they are good things, He is who I live for, not myself. With lots of prayer, crying out, searching, and reading I continued giving it to God. It was hard because my heart was so invested into it, that I had to put my flesh aside. I had to literally give it to God. I got a picture in my head one time of me taking my heart out of my chest and handing it to God. I believe that is what it means to give everything to God. Ya know?
Think about it. Your heart is what keeps you alive and moving. The heart carries so much pressure that it has the most important job. Jesus speaks about giving up the flesh and giving Him everything. That word "everything", I think, means your entire heart. I am sure there are more things it means to but for me everything was my heart. My heart was so precious to me. I love Jesus so much though that I want to give everything to Him. I do not care if it kills me. That’s what I am supposed to do!

"For to me, to live is Christ and to DIE is gain." Philippians 1:21 (emphasis added by me)

So I am dying every time I give my heart to Jesus, and it hurt. It hurts like hell sometimes. Literally! I feel like I am going through hell when I give my heart to Jesus. When you rip an organ out of your body it hurts. But in the end, I trust God in what He is doing with my heart. Guys, I love Jesus with all my heart. I want to do anything He says. It takes me a while to do it but that’s all part of the process. From all of my fears to all of my failures, Jesus, take it all. All of me Lord.

   When I pray, I ask that He reveals to me more of His love and His wisdom. I’m not boasting but I want to give you a real testimony. I pray this knowing that the more I ask of Him the more He is going to reveal Himself to me and the more I will see more of myself as well. It’s a scary thought, seeing more of myself, because I don't feel like a saint on the inside. But, y’all, Jesus is what I live for. He is my strength, my love, my compassion, my smile. He is in me and uses me through my mistakes and STILL loves me. That right there is what keeps me so interested in Him. The FACT that He still loves me through all of my crap. Never have I found a man that does that to me. I see Him at times when I feel like a loser, I see Him standing in this romantic field of wild flowers. His arms are spread wide open and the warmest smile on His face, inviting me into His embrace. I can’t help but run straight into them. I know that no matter how much I fail, fall, run, or hide that NO MATTER WHAT, Jesus is waiting for me to come back to Him. And that is why I am willing to give Him everything. My heart is so wrapped up in His. It’s an automatic response.

So, after throwing up all of my words to you I think this is a good place as any to stop. I hope Jesus spoke to you in one way or another. I pray my life is encouraging to you and that Jesus becomes real to you. I pray that the Lord would show you more of His love for you personally. Thanks for all the encouraging words and prayers. They mean more than you know. I love you all like crazy! God bless!

Rainbows teach me to trust

I promise.

Somehow when I hear God speak those words, I know that I will one day see that promise. No matter how impossible it seems. He said once that no matter what you see on the outside it doesn't it doesn't matter. The real stuff is on the inside. When He says stuff like that, I just sit there with my mouth wide open and in humility because I know He is right. I saw it in my own life. His promises from the very beginning, after all, came true. Maybe with some time and hard work but they always came true. He kept His promise to Abraham, didn't He? So why am I stuck on the smaller promises to me? It just puts things into perspective right?

God has been speaking to me about a certain thing for more than year now. And every day I have heard Him say “Trust Me.” For the last few months I have seen a rainbow or heard the word promise every day. I think He is trying to tell me something important. I think He wants me to trust and hold on to Him. That is what I am doing right now. When He speaks about this promise I have this peace that surpasses understanding. I know that everything is going to be ok. That’s when I realize how BIG my God is. Because He cares enough about the little stuff in my life, He would tell me every single day to trust Him.

I trusted Him enough to devote my life to Him so trusting Him with other things should be easier right? Well, it seems like a big struggle for me at times, but I do know something. I know that my God is good and no matter what happens with this promise, I now that God is still good. So with the Promise that has stuck since the beginning of time I will praise Him no matter how my life turns out. He is constant and always works things out for my good. I just need to trust Him.

That, my friends, is all I need to know.

And God said, “This is the covenant I am making between me and you and every living creature with you, a covenant for all generations to come: I have set my rainbow in the clouds, and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and the earth. Whenever I bring clouds over the earth and the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will remember my covenant between me and you and all living creatures of every kind. Never again will the waters become the flood to destroy all life. Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures of every kind on earth.” So God said to Noah, “This is the sign of the covenant I have established between me and all life on the earth.”

Genesis 9:12-17

Love ya like crazy,

~Ans~

Story of my life... LOVE!

The heart is an amazing thing. It’s what keeps us alive and well in life. It holds up pretty well in stressful situations and takes in and reuses blood throughout the whole body. The heart also loves much. It is fragile and can give so much. It offers a lot and sometimes gets nothing in return.

My heart. Let’s just talk about this for a second. For the past almost two years now, I have been taken on a journey of love. I think I have used this phrase a few times but I will kind of explain what I mean. What I mean is that since the time I gave my entire life to Christ and allowed Him to lead me I have gone on a wild goose chase with God, trying to find out what God says about love. I have read, experienced, read some more, and asked Him for love. I have gone on a journey so deep and so crazy that love is deep inside of me. My heart has expanded and been transformed by the Love the Father has shown and given me. I asked Him to radically love me so that I would not even think about turning away from Him because I knew that I needed to taste and see something so Good that I would not want to turn from Him again. He has been doing that since the first time I met Him. He has been my only desire since that moment. He has placed people in my life that are hard to love. Some I have failed, some I have loved, but I realized in all of it that He loves me more than I could ever discover in this life.

I bet you are thinking, why does she always talks about love?… Well, because just for that very fact. He loved me so radically that I desire to share that love. That’s why I love what I do. I get to share that radical Love I had asked for. Recently though I feel like I can’t love. Wait let me rephrase that. I feel like God has taken my heart out of my chest. I think He is placing things deeper inside of me that He can’t put in unless my heart is vulnerable. I’ll give you an example of what I mean. So, like, when I walk down the streets here in Africa and see all the beggar people I can literally feel my heart aching for them. It leaps to be with them. I want to lie on the ground next to them, hug them, kiss them, and tell them how much Jesus loves them. I feel like my heart is being ripped into a million pieces. I FEEL God’s heart. I don’t know how to explain in human words how it feels but that’s the closest I can say. There is more than that though. Especially this one guy that has a flower bag. He walks around the city with a bag full of roses and sells them. Did I mention he probably was thrown out on the streets by his family because he is mentally handicapped? Did I also say that he walks with a massive limp, like his leg is broken? Did I mention that when I look in his eyes I see hurt. I see pain. I see rejection. I see how much he needs just a hug. When I see him, sometimes I have to close my eyes because my love for him is so intense. He is loved by a God he has probably never even heard of His love before. He is a kid who has no family, the government controls him, and people shoo him away because he is a bother. I call him flower boy. He is loved by the King and he makes me cry by just doing what he is told. My heart is in a big mush on the floor right now.  

When I speak of my heart being vulnerable, flower boy is what I mean by that. I mean that my heart is so much laid out before the Lord that He has full reign to do whatever He wishes to do with it. Even if it means being a stretch for me, stepping out of my comfort zone to just say hello or buy one flower. I have come to realize on this outreach that I need to start being more crazy in Love. I need to be able to look like a fool for Him. He did for me, right? I want to honor Him in my life and allow His love to grow more in me. He is the One I am representing anyway, not myself.

So, I guess to sum up outreach I would say it was a lot of crying. I cried because my heart was having surgery done. I may not have done a lot in the natural but I know that outreach isn't just about the people. It’s about me and Him too. I have no regrets in this time. I have “I wish I would of said something’s” but no regrets. I know that God works things together for His Good. Even if I disobey or just want to cry. He is still faithful.

A good phrase I have heard recently that is sticking with me is “He is making all things new, in me and in the world.” So, to conclude my time here in Africa (my childhood dream) I would put it simply like this. I love Him and others because He first loved me (us). (1 John 4:19)

Love you all like crazy and will see you in 2 weeksish!!!!!

~Ans~

This is a picture of the team worshiping Jesus on a rooftop. It was a rooftop experience.

Jesus is in Tunisia

Jesus, you have gone before me and set my feet on solid ground. You have prepared a Way for me. I chose to look to Your face for anytime I am in trouble. I love You Lord. All the days of my life I will proclaim Your love. May Your light shine from my face. Show me Your Glory!

Outreach is hard. I'm not going to sugar coat anything. It is hard! I miss my friends & family. I miss Jax! I am getting annoyed with people. I feel like I am being challenged by students on decisions Misty and I make. Language barriers are overwhelming. Men look at American women like a piece of meat, that are loose. I feel violated and disrespected every time I go out without one of our guys. The Muslim women are so oppressed. I'm tired and weak. I want a cheeseburger. I want bacon! I want my mom.... Sometimes I want to give up and call it quits.  

Then I remember one thing. Jesus loves me. He loves me. He loved me when I was away from Him. He loved me when I rejected Him. He loved me and was with me when I ran as far as I could from Him. He reminded me tonight that even though I may be struggling with stepping out and speaking to people, even though there seems to be no hope for these people He told me to look at myself a few years ago. He said "Ansley, don't you remember how hopeless you felt? Don't you know that, that same hopelessness you felt then, is what these people feel now?! Show them what you found. Show them how much I love them. Show them. Let them experience the freedom I have brought YOU!" . 

I realized today that it's not all about me. It's not about how I feel, or what I should do. It's just about how God wants to use me. I need to be so sensitive to His voice and listening constantly for what He wants to do in people's lives. He has already brought me to this beautiful place but now I need to do my part. I need to TRUST Him! I need to believe that God is going to use and move through me. I need to show people the love and freedom I have found in my Jesus. He is so beautiful and captivating.

I do what I do so I can share the love of Christ to people. Not the love of Ansley! I am only a vessel for God to use me. So when I feel like I am useless then I need to stand up and respond in the opposite spirit. I am not useless. I am able. God is my strength. That is when freedom reigns. THAT IS WHEN LIVES ARE CHANGED FOREVER! God is here and moving in Tunisia. He is stirring people's hearts. Please pray that God gives them dreams and visions of Him. That is the biggest way Muslims encounter Jesus for the first time. That opens HUGE doors for us. 

Guys, I am sorry for this being a soap box sometimes but this helps gets my feelings out. Writing it out helps me to rediscover what I did today and think and process through it. I hope you all enjoy the blogs. I will do them as often as I can. Don't forget to signup for them because that will help you keep up better if you want to. 

Don't forget that Jesus loves you too! He is in the States as much as He is over here. Keep praying for the team and I. I love y'all like crazy!!!!
~Ans~

P.s. here is a picture of Misty and I over Malaga, Spain!  :)

When you wish upon a star...

I have always been told that if you put your mind to it, you can make your dreams come true. Well for me, it wasn't me who made my dreams come true. Now I know what you are thinking... Oh, God made them come true. But let me tell you something. HE DID! Not in the way I thought or even the dreams I had made myself. It was far greater than just having the white picket fence and 2.5 kids. It was more than having a great husband. It was more than being the all American mom. All of these things are good, don't get me wrong. But for me, that did not satisfy me. I needed more of Jesus, because I saw what He was doing in my life and I didn't want to miss the opportunity of something bigger for me. What I saw when I looked at Him, was a man who had so much to offer me if I took it. He was handing me a life full of traveling, loving, and children. For me that was the more appealing choice. I think I have always been a big dreamer, maybe not on the outside but I always wanted the wildest and far fetched things.

Since being on my own and living in Florida I have realized who I am. I saw that I was a bold, beautiful, free, redeemed, and strong woman. I found myself finally after searching for at least 5 years. I will never go back to my mediocre way of life. I want more of Jesus. I want more of His life. I want to love people to the very core of who God created them to be and call that out in them. I want to change the world with the love I found. 

So back to my dreams. When I was in 5th grade I remember reading a book in Mr. Field's history class. It was about a girl in Kenya, Africa who lived in a village. That's all I remember. I wish I could remember more but my memory fails me. Anyway so after reading this book I knew in that moment that I wanted to go there. I didn't know how, when, where, or why but I wanted to go there. And for some odd reason I felt like the Lord spoke to me and said "One day you will." WHOA! I knew from then on I wanted to travel and see all kinds of culture. Ever since then I had this passion growing inside of me to go to this place I had only read about. For some time I kept it hidden because I thought people would laugh. So for most of my life I didn't let people know I loved Africa because no one else was talking about how they wanted to travel. They all wanted homes, and families. I wanted that but I really wanted to travel more than I did those things at that time. (Now I want all those things). Every time I saw a black person, heard African music, heard Africa, saw animals from there, my heart leaped with joy because I had grown a love for a place I had never once stepped foot on. 

I have not forgotten that promise. I still have that same excitement I did as a child. It had not hit me until about a month ago that I was actually going to Africa. I AM GOING TO AFRICA!!!!!! When I realized this for the first time I was filled with so much JOY! The joy of the Lord had captured me and spun me around and said... 'Here you go. Just like I promised." JUST LIKE HE PROMISED!  God is faithful. He is faithful. I realize that more and more as the day get closer. When I step out onto the ground of Africa, I will shout with love and joy about my God. After all these years of waiting I finally get to see what my  heart so longs to be a part of. My God is bigger than I could dream about. He has made my dreams come true. Looking back I see how all the things I went through and had to face are helping me in this very moment right now. I am leading a team. I am strong and free. I am redeemed. I am blessed. 

I can not believe I get to see the promise I have been waiting for. I am so amazed at how God works things together for my good. He is a good Father. So, for now I shall talk to you all later. Please continue to be lifting the team up in your prayers. 

Love you like crazy,
~Ans~

http://www.ywamjacksonville.com/contact-us/

The year of the Lord

 Happy 2013 everyone! Another chapter in our lives closed, another one being written. This time of year is always a joyous and merry time of year. This is when things seem to be reflected on. The good, bad, and ugly are all put back in the light to see how it turned out. Looking back on last year for me has been… exhilarating. It has brought me confusion, joy, unknown’s, peace, pain, and most importantly love. I never knew what to expect since last year was starting it off in the Middle East but now that I look back, I know God’s hand was in it all. I met great people, saw and experienced great things, overcame obstacles, and found what I’m passionate about. Jesus became more of my focus.

As I see what is ahead of me in 2013, I have to keep reminding myself this one thing: Jesus is in control. I can already tell that this is going to be the “theme” (if there is even such a thing) of 2013. Since I returned to Indiana for the holidays, I have some to realize a few things:

 1.) I DO NOT like snow.

2.) I am a control freak.

3.) I need to give Jesus my life every day.

 4.) And lastly, God knows what He is doing.

What do all these things have in common? I suck without Jesus. I know that when I go back to Jax tomorrow (Jan. 2) that I am going to have to depend on Him even more than I did last year. I am starting in a place where I need to have all my strength come from the Lord. I will be mentoring girls for the next three months and leading an outreach to an unreached nation for two. I was involved with the last school but I never really knew the stress load that came with it all. I am putting all my trust and faith in the Lord, more than I have before. I have to tell myself constantly that Jesus knows what He is doing. I have to depend on Him and Him alone. I have no idea what I will be doing after this DTS but I do know Who does. I have options and as always, am praying through them. Whatever challenges and things I face this year, I am taking them to the Lord first. I have a feeling this year is going to be full of those times. I know He already knows, I just have to trust Him. The Bible says He already knows the plans He has for us, right? So why do I worry? Anyway, I want to leave you with a verse that I am declaring over this year.

The Year of the Lord’s Favor

61 The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,
    because the Lord has anointed me
    to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
    to proclaim freedom for the captives
    and release from darkness for the prisoners,^[a]
2 to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor
    and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
³     and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
    instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
    instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
    instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
    a planting of the Lord
    for the display of his splendor.

⁴ They will rebuild the ancient ruins
    and restore the places long devastated;
they will renew the ruined cities
    that have been devastated for generations.
⁵ Strangers will shepherd your flocks;
    foreigners will work your fields and vineyards.
⁶ And you will be called priests of the Lord,
    you will be named ministers of our God.
You will feed on the wealth of nations,
    and in their riches you will boast.

⁷ Instead of your shame
    you will receive a double portion,
and instead of disgrace
    you will rejoice in your inheritance.
And so you will inherit a double portion in your land,
    and everlasting joy will be yours.

⁸ “For I, the Lord, love justice;
    I hate robbery and wrongdoing.
In my faithfulness I will reward my people
    and make an everlasting covenant with them.
⁹ Their descendants will be known among the nations
    and their offspring among the peoples.
All who see them will acknowledge
    that they are a people the Lord has blessed.”

¹⁰ I delight greatly in the Lord;
    my soul rejoices in my God.
For he has clothed me with garments of salvation
    and arrayed me in a robe of his righteousness,
as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest,
    and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.
¹¹ For as the soil makes the sprout come up
    and a garden causes seeds to grow,
so the Sovereign Lord will make righteousness
    and praise spring up before all nations.

Isaiah 61

Constant and faithful

God is faithful. I had to start out with something steady before I go into this blog. I have another change in plans. So this blog is explaining what has been going on in detail. I am going to be very honest with you all, when I first came to Jacksonville, last year, I had the intentions of leaving for Kenya for a year when DTS finished. By the time outreach ended my heart people in the nations. I knew that when I came back I was not the same person I was when I first came. I was wrecked for overseas missions. A couple months later I attended a three month school of frontier missions which was training me to in long term missions and church planting. During that school I have to have a two year internship working with a church planting team. God placed India on my heart and that’s where I was planning on living for my internship. So much of my time and effort was in planning it that I got lost in it. January was the goal that was placed for that. In the mean time I was going to live on base in Jacksonville and help out in any way I could.

When I arrived back in Jax in September I knew God was going to do major heart surgery again. I didn’t realize how intense it would be. On the very first day back I heard God asking me some questions, and for the next 2 weeks I was ignoring Him. In my head, the mission was simple: get in, get out, done! I wanted to get the next four months done as fast as possible. I didn’t want any distractions from what I had planned. Then on a very ordinary day God stopped me in my tracks and said “Where am I in your plans, Ansley?” I have to admit that I tried to act like nothing was wrong. Everything was in God’s hands and I was a good little Christian. The truth was though, that I had taken my life, my plans, and my dreams from Him. I was in control of everything. That question started me on the journey that I will be on for the rest of my life. It was time for me to put everything back in His hands. This season was the start of learning to die to my flesh. Heart surgery was starting and I had no other choice but to listen and pray. While I was doing that, God was pulling things out of my heart that had taken root. These things consisted of pride, fear, control, jealousy, failure, and hate. Those are only the things He showed me in a few months. I still have more to go. This is something I am going to learn for the rest of my life. I have had to tell myself every day that it’s not about me. I have to daily die to my flesh and allow Abba to work His hand. It’s not been easy to see things in my heart that are keeping me from Jesus. It hurts to have the past brought up again and see things that you have tried to hide from yourself.

I am so glad that I was able to give Daddy my heart because I do not do a good job at keeping it safe. I know that this part of my life is shaping who I will be later in life and am so thankful for God’s grace in it. Since God has been pulling out roots I have found a piece of heart that I have never recognized before. It’s discipleship. I never saw myself here in Jax helping and discipling students. Recently the outreaches for this DTS have been difficult to plan. Lots of things have changed and moved around. I was originally going to lead a team to India with my friend Apps. Now that things have changed and not worked out, the outreaches have changed locations. I am no longer leading a team but instead staying in Jax for a few more months to staff the January DTS. Then in April I will lead a team overseas to the 10/40 window. I know things have changed a lot for me and things are not the same whenever you talk to me. One thing that is always constant and true is God. Even though I have changed what I am doing every month, I’m learning it’s a learning process. I’m learning to hear God’s voice and obey Him. Sometimes I get it wrong. Sometimes I fail, but nothing changes the fact that God is faithful. That’s why I know without a shadow of a doubt that God has my life in His hands. I am falling in love more and more with Him every day because I have to ask Him where and what I should all the time. Intimacy with Jesus is growing me as well. I have seen His heart for these students and for me as well. I have learned and am learning every single day. I have to trust. I have to love. I have to listen. I have nothing but the hope that Jesus is my strength. He keeps saying “be still and know that I AM.”

So in conclusion, I am not perfect. I fail. I mess up. I can be selfish. BUT I have something so constant and strong in my life that no matter what happens I know Who I can turn to. In January, I will be staffing a school. It will challenge, push, and stretch me more than I already have been. It’s going to be a new experience and season but no matter how it is I am going to be still. I am not in control. I have given my life in His hands. Thank you for staying with me on this crazy journey. I am so thankful for your thoughts and prayers. I will be home for Christmas till the 2^nd of January so I hope you can find me. I love you all. Thank you again for sticking with me in my crazy life. Blessings!

I love you like crazy!

~Ans~