Forgiving myself

Jesus, take my life. It isn't made for my pleasure, but to glorify Your name. You have called me out of the life I used to live and into a life of forgiveness, rightousness, and faithfulness. You have placed the path of my life to bring love, joy, peace, and Your name to all the nations. You have called me, of all people, to places I have only dreamed of going. I am leaving the comforts of my home and going to the land God has given me. I want to be used by you Father. I don't want my own personal desires to get in the way of your work. Father use me. In your name, amen.

This prayer has been on my heart the last two weeks. I have been stuggling with the fact that God wants to use me. I still look at myself and see this girl who ran from God and didn't want anything to do with Him. I often ask myself why He would want me even though I treated Him like dirt. I don't understand why He loves me so much. I look in the mirror and I only see a useless, undeserving, worthless, ugly girl. I want God to use me but I don't feel redeemed yet. I know He has forgiven me but I am working on forgiving myself. I think that's just as important as asking for forgivness from Him.

Father, this is my new prayer. I pray that I am able to see myself through Your eyes. I pray that I can see the beautiful woman You have made me so far. I pray that when I look in the mirror I don't see an ugly girl. I see a beautiful woman. I pray I don't see a worthless girl. I see someone worth fighting for. I pray I don't see an undeserving girl. I see a deserving daughter. I pray I don't see a useless girl. I see a girl who can be used in MIGHTY ways through You. I want to see myself through Your eyes. Help me to forgive myself so I can move on and see things in a new perspective. Lord, I pray this in Your name, amen.

Loving the Least of These...

What is love? Is it your first kiss? Is it when you heart skips a beat when they touch you? Is it your first time with someone? Is it when you see your child for the first time? Is it when you say I do?  Is it supposed to hurt so much? Is it real?
God has been challenging me this week about what it means to love someone. Right now I am reading a book by Heidi Baker called Compelled by Love. If you haven't read it, you should. Anyway, it's going through the Beatitudes and the journey God took her on, for her to understand them. As I sit and read it I am so overwhelmed by the way she talks about the children of her orphanages in Mozambique, Africa. She loves these kids with more love, than I have ever imagined. She told a story that has stuck out. One day she found this little girl lying under a tree with scabies, lice, and a bloated belly from malnutrition. She was dying. They took her to a hospital where the doctors were all saying she wasn't going to make it but Heidi knew God had the power to heal her. Heidi she said heard God speak in that moment to pick her up and show her love. Heidi later said that she also caught lice and scabies but it was worth it. The end result was that God gave her life.
She loved this little girl even though she caught the things she had. She loved a little girl that in the world's eyes was dying and not worth it. This, my friends, is love. Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not envy. Love is not jealous. It does not boast. It is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perservers. Love, my friends, never fails.
So if by chance you come across the "unlovable" remember, Father loved you even though you were once unlovable. When you look at someone who's broken and nowhere else to go, remember: whatever you do to the least of these, you do to Him. Jesus loves. And so should you. That's my challenge to you today. To love. Everyone. And think about what that word means to you. I love you with ALL my heart.  <3 God bless you!!

Faith through the Storms

I know it has been a few weeks since I last wrote a blog. I am really sorry. I have had so much going on these last couple weeks that I had to put a few things aside. I think what this entry is going to be about is you. I want to tell you a story about me first.
I have honestly been the lowest I have ever felt since being away from home. It's been really tough because I just wanted my family by my side. I was lonely. See, I was leaning on something that I now know I can never have. This thing was so much a desire of my heart that I let it get more attention than my God. I leaned so much on it that when this thing realized it was tired of me, I fell to the ground. And I fell hard. I begged for it to come back. I struggled to get through my days and thought my life couldn't get any better. I didn't realized that Someone was right behind me, ready to help me get up.
I had a friend tell me that I needed to get out of my pity party and realize that God was waiting for me to call on Him. I was scared at first but then realized that He would still love me for ditching Him. Father still loves me enough to pick up the broken, nasty pieces of my heart and make them beautiful again. He cared enough to bring me up in His arms and tell me "It's going to be ok." He knows that my heart is broken but He can fix it. God has done so much more than I or anyone else could have ever done for me. Even though I put Him second on my list He still showed compassion on me. He promised me He would never leave me. He forgave me and even though I am still broken from this thing I have Christ standing next to me. He is helping me overcome my own selfishness and making me new again. He loves me that much. He will not leave me during this storm.
So I guess what I want you to do, is think of a time in your life where you left God for a bit but then He brought you back to Him. Message me on facebook or leave a commet. Whatever you do I just want a little encouragment that He is working in your lives as well. Peace be upon you and your family!

The big word: TRUST!

I love being back in Jacksonville! It's so weird because a country girl like me, loving the big city! Anyway, I thought I would share a little thought with you that the Lord has been putting on my heart the past couple of days since being back. There have been a few things that are worrying me lately, like my next step after SOFM. I want to know where I am going to be in the next couple of years. It is driving me crazy because I keep thinking that maybe I can't hear God, or He is being to slow, or I am just not in tune with Him anymore. I don't know why I am freaking out because I know it's in His hands but there is still this little doubt in the very back of my mind that I can't get rid of. The other thing that is keeping me unsetteled, is about a person. I want to know where my life will be with them. I want to know if they are in my future or not. IT'S DRIVING ME CRAZY!!!! I just want to know. I pray for dreams and visions all the time for God to show me His plan. I know that's in His hands too but sometimes I just get so frustrated I yell at God. I need to be able to trust Him with all that is in my life. Not just the things that I find convenient. He has the very interests for me in mind even if I can't see the big picture yet. I know He has dreams for me, that I could not even imagine yet, but I just have to trust Him. That's what it always seems to come down to. Trusting Father...
So now I am challenging you, reading this. Have you fully given everything to Daddy? Is there something in your life that is keeping you from moving forward in your relationship with Him? I'm challenging you this next week to really search your heart, praying that He reveals those things to you. I also want help to keep me accountable for myself too. Maybe if you have time shoot me an email or even mail me a letter of encouragment. I LOVE getting letters! I even want to help you with keeping you accountable. Let me know if there is any way I can pray for you! God knows you're worth it and so do I. I love you all very much and thank you for keeping up with what God is doing in my life and others. Peace be with you all!!!!!

Random thought....

This morning while I was worshipping and spending time with Daddy, the song You love me anyway by Sidewalk Prophets played. Have you ever just sat and listened to what God was singing to you? I do it all the time but this time it was different. I was singing it to God. Thanking Him for what He did for a person as dirty and wretched as me. The lyrics of this song just played out my life perfectly. While I was worshipping I started to write in my journal because that seems to help me get my thoughts out. God was speaking through me, to me. It was kind of crazy and only something God could do. So I am going to let you read some of it. I pray that you learn something as well!
3/23/12
Little by little our roots are being intertwined. I can actually see and feel us growing as one. God has literally stolen my heart and is replacing it with His. The best thing EVER! Cause my heart is so dirty. It's been bruised, stripped, cut, thrown, and writhering. But God's heart has made me new. A new life, heart, and everything. God how you love me! No matter what my heart looked like. You still thought of me as you were raised up on that cross. You thought: She is worth it. Even though she will run from me. Even though she will hate me. Even though she will be ashamed of me. Even though she will run to men to try to find comfort. Even though she will lie, steal, cheat. I still, and always will, love her. No matter what. She is mine. I will make her new. She will come back to me. She will fall madly in love with me that it will spill over her into other people. She is worth the running, calling, weeping, and fighting. I love her and she will bring glory to my name. She is my daugther. Forever.
I still fight with Daddy but I already know the answers. I am able to get over myself because I know that He has the situation in His hands. I try not to do those things I used to. It's a battle of my heart that I struggle with everyday. It hurts but I know in the end it's worth it. HE IS WORTH IT! In your name, Amen!

God loves you too. NO MATTER WHAT! Please remember this. It's His greatest commandment. To love not just others or yourself, but Him as well. And as always I love you too!
I am going back to Jacksonville in a couple of days to do another school that I feel He is calling me to. I will keep up with my blog at least once a week so don't worry. You will get to see what God is doing. Peace out!! God bless!!!!

The End of the First Chapter

So it is nearing the very last week of outreach and as I look back five months ago I can honestly say I was not ready to be changed this much. I knew coming into this that I would not be the same, but seriously? I didn't think giving my whole heart to God those first couple weeks of DTS lecture would do this much to me. When I look back through those months I can't process it all. I broke off chains that I had adding onto for the last seven years. If I had to say one week that sticks out the most I would say the Father Heart of God. I forgave people who hurt me and I forgave myself. I learned how to love my enemies and how much God really loves me. I learned to love myself again, too. I learned so many things in lecture phase and in outreach as well. God has transformed me and my heart into the person He wants me to be. I still have a long way to go but it's a process. He has changed my heart to go after what His Heart wants and it's changing me all the time because I try to get in the way.

When I started out I was planning on going to Kenya, Africa after DTS. I still plan on going, just not as soon as I had planned. After being here amongst the most generous and inviting people in the Middle East, my heart has been captured by this culture and its people. I know that my next step is to be in the field. I have been praying about it and God has been confirming it for a while now. My next step from here is that I plan on doing another school to get more education about field work. The School of Frontier Missions (SOFM) will be in April for another three months then outreach is suggested to be a year or two. I also feel like the rest of my life is supposed to encourage other people on the field. Being on it for two months I know what the struggles feel like. I don’t think it would have been as easy if our base leader came to visit or skype didn’t exist. I have needed so much encouragement because things can get really hard when you are being changed and you don’t have your comforts or even your family. I miss everyone back home so much sometimes I just go sit in a corner and cry. I think it is very important for people, friends, family, churches, and anyone else to encourage people my age and especially families living on the field. That’s what I feel like God is pushing me towards at the moment. So I plan on following it.

My next plan of action in the coming weeks is to raise money for my next school. I need three thousand dollars for my lecture phase. I am not even worried about the money because I know that God will provide since He is the one leading me in this direction. I am so honored to be in the midst of such wonderful, God-fearing people. I am also happy to be serving God while doing something I enjoy. I hope you all have enjoyed following me in my journey across the sea and you continue to search after Him. I can’t wait to see you in just a couple weeks. I love you all so much! Keep us in your prayers for our traveling home. Peace be with you!

P.S.  I will be doing a blog for my next lecture so don’t worry, you will be hearing from me soon!

Realization

My God is so big, so strong, and so mighty. There’s nothing my God cannot do. For some reason this song has been playing in my head for the past couple of days. After Ankara, our team split in half because we all felt that God wanted us to go to separate places. My team went to Cappadocia while the other half went to Konya and Kuthalia. We were apart for five days which seemed like forever since this is our family. So during those five days our team slept in a cave. The place was Gӧreme. It is a village of 3,500 people and one the most touristic part of Turkey. I must say it’s also one of the most beautiful. Snow-capped mountains, fairy chimneys, and the most breathe-taking views I have ever seen. In the summer it’s usually desert looking with the sand and not much greening. God did a great job with that landscaping!

So our main goal was to find people in the village to share about Jesus and His salvation.  As it turned out though, God had a different idea. On the first day we split up in three pairs and started walking the streets. Kristine and I decided to just walk to where we felt was right. Eventually we ended up in a carpet store talking to a guy named Osman. He offered us ҫay (tea) which is Turkish custom and we sat and just talked. We asked all kinds of questions, like what people do for fun, what traditions they have, and finally about Muslims and Jesus. We asked him about his religion to show that we were interested in his take (which we are). Honestly though that is about as deep as the conversation was. He told us that “missionaries” come all the time. So Kristine and I were both very interested in what he had to say about that. He said that some came with money to bribe, some come to tour, and others were kind of aggressive with it. He was very open-minded with what we were doing but it just didn’t seem right to try to “change” him. We left that day with nothing that I felt accomplished with.

We didn’t get to go back the next day because we had other plans but the next day we defiantly went back. Turkish tradition is to by a little gift so before we headed over we stopped by a pastry shop. We got up to his store and we prayed for guidance and words from God for him. We went in with the intent of bringing Jesus this time but we again, God had a different idea. He went for ҫay as Kristine, Alex, and I talked about what we were going to say. The Spirit was definably in the room because all of a sudden our ideas shifted and we decided that God just wanted His love to show today for Osman.

So that’s just what we did. We showed him that we loved and cared for him. We didn’t talk about the bible or Jesus. We just asked about his life and how he was raised. We showed that we cared for him. That was all, nothing spiritual about it.