Trust. Listen. Obey. Love. Die.
Trust in me. I know what I am
doing.
Listen to me. I know what I am
talking about.
Obey me. I have so much for you.
Love me. The rest will follow.
Die to yourself. I can give you
life.
These things should be easy. They
should be something I learned as my walk in the Lord grows deeper. I think it
is actually harder as time goes on. I don’t know why. I want to do these
things. I want to trust and obey and love but I feel like there is this wall
that keeps me from fully being able to do these things. I think it might be my
pride or my stubbornness. Probably both. It makes me so angry when I can’t do
them. It should be something so simple and easy but I just can’t seem to wrap
my head around it. I can’t fully trust because how can I if I don’t understand
or see the big picture? How can I listen when I sometimes feel like I’m going
crazy because of the things He says to me. How can I obey when I can’t even
obey my parents at times? How can I love when I don’t get love back or have
someone to love on? How do I die to myself when I am so self-absorbed and only
do things that benefit me?
I often think about why God picked
me out of all the other sheep in the flock. I wonder what great things He sees
in me. I feel like I can’t do what He has called me to do sometimes because if
I think about how big and grand it all is I get overwhelmed. If I can’t do
something so vital in our relationship how can He trust me to do what He wants
done? Why me, I ask. I don’t understand. I don’t understand why it’s so hard. I
want to obey. I want to tear down these walls that are stopping me from getting
closer to Jesus! I just want to die to myself. Jesus, take this life! I don’t want
it anymore. I am tired of trying to fix things. I don’t want to run from
problems anymore. I want to face them without fear. I need you more and more every
day because I fail you every day.
One thing you lack, he said. “Go,
sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in
heaven. Then come, follow me.” Mark 10:21
Jesus, teach me to sell my things,
take up my cross, and follow you. I pray all this in your name, amen.
Friends, sorry this is long
overdue. I have been trying to write a blog since I got here but nothing was at
peace. I’m sharing a little bit of my heart and the challenge it has been to be
back in Jacksonville. I ask for forgiveness for not keeping you up to date. I
love you all and will see you soon. Much love and gratitude,
~Ans~
