Constant and faithful

God is faithful. I had to start out with something steady before I go into this blog. I have another change in plans. So this blog is explaining what has been going on in detail. I am going to be very honest with you all, when I first came to Jacksonville, last year, I had the intentions of leaving for Kenya for a year when DTS finished. By the time outreach ended my heart people in the nations. I knew that when I came back I was not the same person I was when I first came. I was wrecked for overseas missions. A couple months later I attended a three month school of frontier missions which was training me to in long term missions and church planting. During that school I have to have a two year internship working with a church planting team. God placed India on my heart and that’s where I was planning on living for my internship. So much of my time and effort was in planning it that I got lost in it. January was the goal that was placed for that. In the mean time I was going to live on base in Jacksonville and help out in any way I could.

When I arrived back in Jax in September I knew God was going to do major heart surgery again. I didn’t realize how intense it would be. On the very first day back I heard God asking me some questions, and for the next 2 weeks I was ignoring Him. In my head, the mission was simple: get in, get out, done! I wanted to get the next four months done as fast as possible. I didn’t want any distractions from what I had planned. Then on a very ordinary day God stopped me in my tracks and said “Where am I in your plans, Ansley?” I have to admit that I tried to act like nothing was wrong. Everything was in God’s hands and I was a good little Christian. The truth was though, that I had taken my life, my plans, and my dreams from Him. I was in control of everything. That question started me on the journey that I will be on for the rest of my life. It was time for me to put everything back in His hands. This season was the start of learning to die to my flesh. Heart surgery was starting and I had no other choice but to listen and pray. While I was doing that, God was pulling things out of my heart that had taken root. These things consisted of pride, fear, control, jealousy, failure, and hate. Those are only the things He showed me in a few months. I still have more to go. This is something I am going to learn for the rest of my life. I have had to tell myself every day that it’s not about me. I have to daily die to my flesh and allow Abba to work His hand. It’s not been easy to see things in my heart that are keeping me from Jesus. It hurts to have the past brought up again and see things that you have tried to hide from yourself.

I am so glad that I was able to give Daddy my heart because I do not do a good job at keeping it safe. I know that this part of my life is shaping who I will be later in life and am so thankful for God’s grace in it. Since God has been pulling out roots I have found a piece of heart that I have never recognized before. It’s discipleship. I never saw myself here in Jax helping and discipling students. Recently the outreaches for this DTS have been difficult to plan. Lots of things have changed and moved around. I was originally going to lead a team to India with my friend Apps. Now that things have changed and not worked out, the outreaches have changed locations. I am no longer leading a team but instead staying in Jax for a few more months to staff the January DTS. Then in April I will lead a team overseas to the 10/40 window. I know things have changed a lot for me and things are not the same whenever you talk to me. One thing that is always constant and true is God. Even though I have changed what I am doing every month, I’m learning it’s a learning process. I’m learning to hear God’s voice and obey Him. Sometimes I get it wrong. Sometimes I fail, but nothing changes the fact that God is faithful. That’s why I know without a shadow of a doubt that God has my life in His hands. I am falling in love more and more with Him every day because I have to ask Him where and what I should all the time. Intimacy with Jesus is growing me as well. I have seen His heart for these students and for me as well. I have learned and am learning every single day. I have to trust. I have to love. I have to listen. I have nothing but the hope that Jesus is my strength. He keeps saying “be still and know that I AM.”

So in conclusion, I am not perfect. I fail. I mess up. I can be selfish. BUT I have something so constant and strong in my life that no matter what happens I know Who I can turn to. In January, I will be staffing a school. It will challenge, push, and stretch me more than I already have been. It’s going to be a new experience and season but no matter how it is I am going to be still. I am not in control. I have given my life in His hands. Thank you for staying with me on this crazy journey. I am so thankful for your thoughts and prayers. I will be home for Christmas till the 2^nd of January so I hope you can find me. I love you all. Thank you again for sticking with me in my crazy life. Blessings!

I love you like crazy!

~Ans~

 

A new direction to the same place

Hey friends! This blog may be a little longer than normal. Lots of things have been going on the past couple weeks and I have not be able to let anyone know of them. If you read my last blog post it talked a lot about obedience and trusting. India was what I was talking about. Ya see, ever since the students started to move in God spoke to me about my heart and why I was back here. He spoke things that were so clear I thought He was physically standing next to me. When I came back to Jax I was drained. To be honest, I was dead. Being back in Indiana was hard. I was struggling with trying to be the same person that everyone knew me as and then the new one at the same time. I didn't want people to see me different than what they knew. I was being selfish. It takes a lot of effort putting on a mask every day. Plus, I had all of the India to take care of. I was stretching myself thin and going insane. By the time I got back to Jax I was done. I had spent myself and was ready to be my new self again.

Then God said my name, "Ansley, what are you doing?"

"I'm back in Jax and going to focus on India with everything that I have now so I can get ready to leave in January. You told me to come back."

"What are you doing?" He asked again.

I'm getting ready for India."

I heard that question for the next 3 weeks and the conversation repeated like that. I was so confused and wanted to know what He was trying to say. I prayed and asked but He always answered with that question. I had been trying to get my visa the entire time and it was not working out. It was getting lost or deleted or my contacts wouldn't get back to me. I was so fed up and ready to get out of the country. I wanted to go! Then one ordinary day as I was frustrated and trying to plan my life God said, "Ansley, stop."

"What? This is what you told me to do."

"Where am I in your plans?"

"Well, you are right here. After I get over there you lead me to what you want me to do."

"Where am I right now?"

I realized something then. I had been planning my trip and had lost sight of Who was the reason I was going. I had taken God's dream He gave me and made it something that I had dreamed. I wasn’t seeking God and forgot why I was going in the first place. It wasn't because I love India, even though I do. It was because God said to "Go and make disciples of all nations baptizing them in the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit". That was the reason I was going. Not to bring glory to myself but to bring God's love and to see people of the nation’s give glory to God. Then I heard Him say,

"Give me India and you can still have all that I have promised. Hand it to me and we can do it together. Give it to me and be willing to let it die. Die to yourself. This was not your dream in the first place. Listen to me. Obey me. Trust me. I know the plans I have for you and you don't know the half of them. Ansley, let me have India and I will show you what I have planned."

The next week I struggled with learning to die and give up my dreams. I fought and yelled. I kicked and screamed. I cried and cried and cried. It was tough. God was pulling out things in my heart that were so deeply rooted in my heart that I would just lay on my face because it was so difficult. He showed me a new revelation of Him and how He loves me. I heard Him speak things like I have never heard before. I started on a journey that would forever change my heart. By the end of the 3trd week I had surrendered my heart, India, my pride, and my stubbornness. It hurt to give God my heart. But God had something better than anything I can dream or imagine.

After realizing all that in the last few weeks I have been praying about what I should do. God has been showing me why He brought me to Jacksonville in the first place. He told me to put India on the back burner for now. He is still calling me there and I will get the opportunity to start my internship but right now He wants me to stay in the states. My role is starting to become a leadership role. I am learning what it means to lead and how to disciple others in my Church family. My heart is still longing to go overseas and Daddy knows my heart better than anyone. I have recently been given the opportunity to  lead an outreach team to India and Nepal in January. My friend Apps and I will be leading a DTS team of 14 students through the mountains and rivers of south Asia. God has answered my prayer in taking me overseas. He knows the desires of my heart and is so amazing to be giving me this team to help me grow in my leadership and to take His name to the nations. I can explain in more words if anyone would like to know about what God is doing in detail. I just want people and my supporters to know because I don’t want to confuse people.

God promised me India and I know that’s where He has placed on my heart. Right now, though as I’m in the states I am waiting, hearing, and falling in love with Jesus more and more. I don’t know when I will leave for my internship but all I know is that God wants me to be in the present. Not dwelling on the past or living in the future. As I am learning to live here and be content and happy where He has me I have already been able to experience things with His love and live in community where everyone loves Jesus passionately. I have seen and experienced too much now to turn back. I would not give up or regret anything in this life because I know who I am in Christ and have faith in a God that does miracles.

Please be praying for guidance and wisdom in this next season and also for leadership development. I am so excited to be a part of these student’s lives and cannot wait to see what all God has for them. I love them with so much love. I love you all also. Peace and blessings over you. Always, Ans!

 

...Dying...

Trust. Listen. Obey. Love. Die.

Trust in me. I know what I am doing.

Listen to me. I know what I am talking about.

Obey me. I have so much for you.

Love me. The rest will follow.

Die to yourself. I can give you life.

These things should be easy. They should be something I learned as my walk in the Lord grows deeper. I think it is actually harder as time goes on. I don’t know why. I want to do these things. I want to trust and obey and love but I feel like there is this wall that keeps me from fully being able to do these things. I think it might be my pride or my stubbornness. Probably both. It makes me so angry when I can’t do them. It should be something so simple and easy but I just can’t seem to wrap my head around it. I can’t fully trust because how can I if I don’t understand or see the big picture? How can I listen when I sometimes feel like I’m going crazy because of the things He says to me. How can I obey when I can’t even obey my parents at times? How can I love when I don’t get love back or have someone to love on? How do I die to myself when I am so self-absorbed and only do things that benefit me?

I often think about why God picked me out of all the other sheep in the flock. I wonder what great things He sees in me. I feel like I can’t do what He has called me to do sometimes because if I think about how big and grand it all is I get overwhelmed. If I can’t do something so vital in our relationship how can He trust me to do what He wants done? Why me, I ask. I don’t understand. I don’t understand why it’s so hard. I want to obey. I want to tear down these walls that are stopping me from getting closer to Jesus! I just want to die to myself. Jesus, take this life! I don’t want it anymore. I am tired of trying to fix things. I don’t want to run from problems anymore. I want to face them without fear. I need you more and more every day because I fail you every day.

One thing you lack, he said. “Go, sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.” Mark 10:21

Jesus, teach me to sell my things, take up my cross, and follow you. I pray all this in your name, amen.

Friends, sorry this is long overdue. I have been trying to write a blog since I got here but nothing was at peace. I’m sharing a little bit of my heart and the challenge it has been to be back in Jacksonville. I ask for forgiveness for not keeping you up to date. I love you all and will see you soon. Much love and gratitude,

~Ans~

I need You more than yesterday, today, and tommorow, Father....

I need God more. Every day I need Him more. More than the song I sing. More than the air I breathe. More than anything, I need You more, Father. I have come to understand, recently what it means to completely depend on God every day for everything I need. He gives and takes away. I have a week and a half left and I STILL need my God to carry me through each day. I still can’t do it by myself even though I think I can because I have already been broken from a lot of things. I need to ask Jesus every day to help me with my family, friends, issues, problems, pridefullness, joy, my stubbornness, and getting the motivation to get out of bed. I would not be able to do it if I didn’t continually ask for God’s strength each morning. I can tell a difference in both. If I ask, I have this supernatural strength that could only come from God. When I don’t ask, it takes everything I can muster up to be able to make it even to lunch time. I struggle with family more and I get so angry I want to spit. That does not come from God. That comes from my selfish pride and thinking that I can do things by myself for a while. Well ya know what… I CAN’T DO IT WITHOUT JESUS! No matter how hard I try I am always going to fail my God if my strength doesn’t come from Him. I still fail Him daily when I ask but at least I am learning and growing from it. I just give the devil a bigger foot hold when I let him take my anger.

I have a few more days left. I can see the horizon of this chapter. I still have to finish strong. I can’t stop now. God gave me direct orders to go. So when I go I need to keep up my part of the deal and ask for help. I need to remember that no matter how hard, no matter how tough, no matter how uncomfortable, scary, big, stinky, amazing, long, short, skinny, tall, and maybe handsome people and places may get I need to know. I need to tell myself that God has set before a task that He has placed ahead of me. He is not going to send me to a place where He isn’t. He is going ahead of me to show, grow, and dominate India. I am a child of God. He is my King. Jesus is all I need. All I will ever need. Nothing else can satisfy me the way Father does. He has transformed my heart into a beautiful, scarred piece of art. I am never going to be the same person I was yesterday, or today, or tomorrow. He has given me all the tools I need. Now I need to use them for His name. For every tongue, tribe, and nation. I am going to do great things for the Kingdom of God because He is working through and in me. I love Jesus!

I can’t wait to see what else is in store these last few days. I hope some of you make it out to Greensburg Community Church this Sunday because if you would like to hear more about my upcoming adventure and what else Father is doing in my heart, I will be speaking during education. Please keep me in your prayers as always and may God touch your heart today. Love all of you and God bless!

Therefore, go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.
~Matt. 28:19-20~

I get a little bit stronger

What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. Some of the truest words to come from Miss Kelly Clarkson herself. This song speaks volumes, in my opinion. It goes right along with my favorite verses in Romans 5:1-5. Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ,  through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God.  Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance;  perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.
It talks about how even though life may suck, get me down, it may even beat the crap outta me, but if I continue to seek after Him, glory will be mine. It builds perseverance. It deveolps my character. It strengthens my hope in God. With these things, I grow closer in my relationship with God. I learn to seek after God when everything around me is falling to pieces. I have leaned through the trials this far that Father is preparing me for the rest of my life. He has me here in this position now, to teach me to trust Him with every aspect of my life.
Even though the battles continue everyday and I may not be strong enough to face the day alone I have Someone who is always there. I daily, ask for trength to face whatever comes my way during that day. I pray this verse constantly over my life, so that I may be able to bring God glory in my storms. He is the only strength that gets me through my days. He is the only strength that will get me through India, and He is the only One who gives me the opportunity to make those rough days, building days. I will battle each battle in Jesus name. I will run to God when all the odds are against me. And then,
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger,
Stand a little taller.
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone,
What doesn't kill you makes a fighter,
Footsteps even lighter.

My life vs. His life

It sure is good to be back in Greensburg! Corn, real trees, family, friends, oh and hot weather too! All of these things I have been anxious to get back to. I have thanked God so much for blessing me with such an awesome support system at home.
So after I got that off my chest there is something that I feel like I need to share with you. God has been showing me lately that He wants to get personal with me. You hear sometimes how people talk about Him being a personal God but that didn't really sound good to me. To get personal with someone means that people have to have a deep relationship. It involves getting down, dirty, sticky, and knowing the good, the bad, and the ugly. It involves communicating which I am not very good at in the speaking to people department. And frankly, it means knowing the deepest, darkest secrets of someone. Just like a best friend. God wants to be more than a best friend though. He wants to be the first one I run to when I get scared. He wants to know how I feel about something. He wants to be worth more than a go-to kind of guy. He wants to have all your love. He is a jealous God.
He has been challenging me. Asking me why He isn't the first one I go to when I feel sad. He asked me a week ago that if my family turned their backs on me if I would still follow Him where He lead me. That got me thinking. If everyone I loved told me that if I left and did what God told me to do, would I be strong enough to stand in my faith, in my trust, in His life, to continue on with my God? My prayer has been asking God to show me the areas of my life that I still need to give to Him so that I can have the deepest rooted relationship with my Father as I can. Like I said, I know it's going to get very messing. I also know that God will be standing there with me. If everyone else leaves me I will still be fine because I know that God is still with me. That will be enough for me because He is all I need. I want Him to be where my help comes from. I want Him more than I want to feel good or more than my desire to go to the nations. I want to get personal with Him.
So what I want to leave you with is this. Have you gotten so close in your relationship with God that He is the first one you run to when things get bad? If not, then me too. I am still trying and learning too. It's not something you can learn over night. Life is a learning process. I just want to encourage you to pray and seek after Him in it and see what He wants you to hear from this. I will be praying for you as you read this post.

Thoughts, thoughts, and more of my thoughts

Two weeks. That's all it takes for my friends and I finish school. We are about to take to the field all that we have learned over the last 3 months. For me, it's been the most frustrating, challenging, hardest, funniest, happiest time of my life. God has stretched me far beyond my own limits and well into His. I think differently, speak differently, see myself differently and have been broken from my flesh. I am not the same person from the last time you all saw me.

Over these past few months I have been praying and seeking God in what He wants my life mission statement to be. He wants His love to be the thing that people see when they think of me. This is a big answered prayer because I have been asking God to over flow my cup so much with love that whoever I come in contact with would feel and see His love. That when they think of me they think of Jesus. They think that she has something that I desire for myself. So love is my theme I guess you could say. Love is what compels me to get up in the morning. It compels me to forgive, move on, grow, and love more.  This is why the bible says “love is the greatest of these commandments.”

So I just want to leave you all with three final thoughts. First, ask Father what it is He wants your mission statement to be. What is the theme of your life? Second, let God stretch you out of your comfort zone. It hurts but He knows what is best for you. And lastly, love. Everyone. Every day.

See ya’ll in Greensburg soon! Love and blessings!

Forgiving myself

Jesus, take my life. It isn't made for my pleasure, but to glorify Your name. You have called me out of the life I used to live and into a life of forgiveness, rightousness, and faithfulness. You have placed the path of my life to bring love, joy, peace, and Your name to all the nations. You have called me, of all people, to places I have only dreamed of going. I am leaving the comforts of my home and going to the land God has given me. I want to be used by you Father. I don't want my own personal desires to get in the way of your work. Father use me. In your name, amen.

This prayer has been on my heart the last two weeks. I have been stuggling with the fact that God wants to use me. I still look at myself and see this girl who ran from God and didn't want anything to do with Him. I often ask myself why He would want me even though I treated Him like dirt. I don't understand why He loves me so much. I look in the mirror and I only see a useless, undeserving, worthless, ugly girl. I want God to use me but I don't feel redeemed yet. I know He has forgiven me but I am working on forgiving myself. I think that's just as important as asking for forgivness from Him.

Father, this is my new prayer. I pray that I am able to see myself through Your eyes. I pray that I can see the beautiful woman You have made me so far. I pray that when I look in the mirror I don't see an ugly girl. I see a beautiful woman. I pray I don't see a worthless girl. I see someone worth fighting for. I pray I don't see an undeserving girl. I see a deserving daughter. I pray I don't see a useless girl. I see a girl who can be used in MIGHTY ways through You. I want to see myself through Your eyes. Help me to forgive myself so I can move on and see things in a new perspective. Lord, I pray this in Your name, amen.

Loving the Least of These...

What is love? Is it your first kiss? Is it when you heart skips a beat when they touch you? Is it your first time with someone? Is it when you see your child for the first time? Is it when you say I do?  Is it supposed to hurt so much? Is it real?
God has been challenging me this week about what it means to love someone. Right now I am reading a book by Heidi Baker called Compelled by Love. If you haven't read it, you should. Anyway, it's going through the Beatitudes and the journey God took her on, for her to understand them. As I sit and read it I am so overwhelmed by the way she talks about the children of her orphanages in Mozambique, Africa. She loves these kids with more love, than I have ever imagined. She told a story that has stuck out. One day she found this little girl lying under a tree with scabies, lice, and a bloated belly from malnutrition. She was dying. They took her to a hospital where the doctors were all saying she wasn't going to make it but Heidi knew God had the power to heal her. Heidi she said heard God speak in that moment to pick her up and show her love. Heidi later said that she also caught lice and scabies but it was worth it. The end result was that God gave her life.
She loved this little girl even though she caught the things she had. She loved a little girl that in the world's eyes was dying and not worth it. This, my friends, is love. Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not envy. Love is not jealous. It does not boast. It is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perservers. Love, my friends, never fails.
So if by chance you come across the "unlovable" remember, Father loved you even though you were once unlovable. When you look at someone who's broken and nowhere else to go, remember: whatever you do to the least of these, you do to Him. Jesus loves. And so should you. That's my challenge to you today. To love. Everyone. And think about what that word means to you. I love you with ALL my heart.  <3 God bless you!!

Faith through the Storms

I know it has been a few weeks since I last wrote a blog. I am really sorry. I have had so much going on these last couple weeks that I had to put a few things aside. I think what this entry is going to be about is you. I want to tell you a story about me first.
I have honestly been the lowest I have ever felt since being away from home. It's been really tough because I just wanted my family by my side. I was lonely. See, I was leaning on something that I now know I can never have. This thing was so much a desire of my heart that I let it get more attention than my God. I leaned so much on it that when this thing realized it was tired of me, I fell to the ground. And I fell hard. I begged for it to come back. I struggled to get through my days and thought my life couldn't get any better. I didn't realized that Someone was right behind me, ready to help me get up.
I had a friend tell me that I needed to get out of my pity party and realize that God was waiting for me to call on Him. I was scared at first but then realized that He would still love me for ditching Him. Father still loves me enough to pick up the broken, nasty pieces of my heart and make them beautiful again. He cared enough to bring me up in His arms and tell me "It's going to be ok." He knows that my heart is broken but He can fix it. God has done so much more than I or anyone else could have ever done for me. Even though I put Him second on my list He still showed compassion on me. He promised me He would never leave me. He forgave me and even though I am still broken from this thing I have Christ standing next to me. He is helping me overcome my own selfishness and making me new again. He loves me that much. He will not leave me during this storm.
So I guess what I want you to do, is think of a time in your life where you left God for a bit but then He brought you back to Him. Message me on facebook or leave a commet. Whatever you do I just want a little encouragment that He is working in your lives as well. Peace be upon you and your family!

The big word: TRUST!

I love being back in Jacksonville! It's so weird because a country girl like me, loving the big city! Anyway, I thought I would share a little thought with you that the Lord has been putting on my heart the past couple of days since being back. There have been a few things that are worrying me lately, like my next step after SOFM. I want to know where I am going to be in the next couple of years. It is driving me crazy because I keep thinking that maybe I can't hear God, or He is being to slow, or I am just not in tune with Him anymore. I don't know why I am freaking out because I know it's in His hands but there is still this little doubt in the very back of my mind that I can't get rid of. The other thing that is keeping me unsetteled, is about a person. I want to know where my life will be with them. I want to know if they are in my future or not. IT'S DRIVING ME CRAZY!!!! I just want to know. I pray for dreams and visions all the time for God to show me His plan. I know that's in His hands too but sometimes I just get so frustrated I yell at God. I need to be able to trust Him with all that is in my life. Not just the things that I find convenient. He has the very interests for me in mind even if I can't see the big picture yet. I know He has dreams for me, that I could not even imagine yet, but I just have to trust Him. That's what it always seems to come down to. Trusting Father...
So now I am challenging you, reading this. Have you fully given everything to Daddy? Is there something in your life that is keeping you from moving forward in your relationship with Him? I'm challenging you this next week to really search your heart, praying that He reveals those things to you. I also want help to keep me accountable for myself too. Maybe if you have time shoot me an email or even mail me a letter of encouragment. I LOVE getting letters! I even want to help you with keeping you accountable. Let me know if there is any way I can pray for you! God knows you're worth it and so do I. I love you all very much and thank you for keeping up with what God is doing in my life and others. Peace be with you all!!!!!

Random thought....

This morning while I was worshipping and spending time with Daddy, the song You love me anyway by Sidewalk Prophets played. Have you ever just sat and listened to what God was singing to you? I do it all the time but this time it was different. I was singing it to God. Thanking Him for what He did for a person as dirty and wretched as me. The lyrics of this song just played out my life perfectly. While I was worshipping I started to write in my journal because that seems to help me get my thoughts out. God was speaking through me, to me. It was kind of crazy and only something God could do. So I am going to let you read some of it. I pray that you learn something as well!
3/23/12
Little by little our roots are being intertwined. I can actually see and feel us growing as one. God has literally stolen my heart and is replacing it with His. The best thing EVER! Cause my heart is so dirty. It's been bruised, stripped, cut, thrown, and writhering. But God's heart has made me new. A new life, heart, and everything. God how you love me! No matter what my heart looked like. You still thought of me as you were raised up on that cross. You thought: She is worth it. Even though she will run from me. Even though she will hate me. Even though she will be ashamed of me. Even though she will run to men to try to find comfort. Even though she will lie, steal, cheat. I still, and always will, love her. No matter what. She is mine. I will make her new. She will come back to me. She will fall madly in love with me that it will spill over her into other people. She is worth the running, calling, weeping, and fighting. I love her and she will bring glory to my name. She is my daugther. Forever.
I still fight with Daddy but I already know the answers. I am able to get over myself because I know that He has the situation in His hands. I try not to do those things I used to. It's a battle of my heart that I struggle with everyday. It hurts but I know in the end it's worth it. HE IS WORTH IT! In your name, Amen!

God loves you too. NO MATTER WHAT! Please remember this. It's His greatest commandment. To love not just others or yourself, but Him as well. And as always I love you too!
I am going back to Jacksonville in a couple of days to do another school that I feel He is calling me to. I will keep up with my blog at least once a week so don't worry. You will get to see what God is doing. Peace out!! God bless!!!!

The End of the First Chapter

So it is nearing the very last week of outreach and as I look back five months ago I can honestly say I was not ready to be changed this much. I knew coming into this that I would not be the same, but seriously? I didn't think giving my whole heart to God those first couple weeks of DTS lecture would do this much to me. When I look back through those months I can't process it all. I broke off chains that I had adding onto for the last seven years. If I had to say one week that sticks out the most I would say the Father Heart of God. I forgave people who hurt me and I forgave myself. I learned how to love my enemies and how much God really loves me. I learned to love myself again, too. I learned so many things in lecture phase and in outreach as well. God has transformed me and my heart into the person He wants me to be. I still have a long way to go but it's a process. He has changed my heart to go after what His Heart wants and it's changing me all the time because I try to get in the way.

When I started out I was planning on going to Kenya, Africa after DTS. I still plan on going, just not as soon as I had planned. After being here amongst the most generous and inviting people in the Middle East, my heart has been captured by this culture and its people. I know that my next step is to be in the field. I have been praying about it and God has been confirming it for a while now. My next step from here is that I plan on doing another school to get more education about field work. The School of Frontier Missions (SOFM) will be in April for another three months then outreach is suggested to be a year or two. I also feel like the rest of my life is supposed to encourage other people on the field. Being on it for two months I know what the struggles feel like. I don’t think it would have been as easy if our base leader came to visit or skype didn’t exist. I have needed so much encouragement because things can get really hard when you are being changed and you don’t have your comforts or even your family. I miss everyone back home so much sometimes I just go sit in a corner and cry. I think it is very important for people, friends, family, churches, and anyone else to encourage people my age and especially families living on the field. That’s what I feel like God is pushing me towards at the moment. So I plan on following it.

My next plan of action in the coming weeks is to raise money for my next school. I need three thousand dollars for my lecture phase. I am not even worried about the money because I know that God will provide since He is the one leading me in this direction. I am so honored to be in the midst of such wonderful, God-fearing people. I am also happy to be serving God while doing something I enjoy. I hope you all have enjoyed following me in my journey across the sea and you continue to search after Him. I can’t wait to see you in just a couple weeks. I love you all so much! Keep us in your prayers for our traveling home. Peace be with you!

P.S.  I will be doing a blog for my next lecture so don’t worry, you will be hearing from me soon!

Realization

My God is so big, so strong, and so mighty. There’s nothing my God cannot do. For some reason this song has been playing in my head for the past couple of days. After Ankara, our team split in half because we all felt that God wanted us to go to separate places. My team went to Cappadocia while the other half went to Konya and Kuthalia. We were apart for five days which seemed like forever since this is our family. So during those five days our team slept in a cave. The place was Gӧreme. It is a village of 3,500 people and one the most touristic part of Turkey. I must say it’s also one of the most beautiful. Snow-capped mountains, fairy chimneys, and the most breathe-taking views I have ever seen. In the summer it’s usually desert looking with the sand and not much greening. God did a great job with that landscaping!

So our main goal was to find people in the village to share about Jesus and His salvation.  As it turned out though, God had a different idea. On the first day we split up in three pairs and started walking the streets. Kristine and I decided to just walk to where we felt was right. Eventually we ended up in a carpet store talking to a guy named Osman. He offered us ҫay (tea) which is Turkish custom and we sat and just talked. We asked all kinds of questions, like what people do for fun, what traditions they have, and finally about Muslims and Jesus. We asked him about his religion to show that we were interested in his take (which we are). Honestly though that is about as deep as the conversation was. He told us that “missionaries” come all the time. So Kristine and I were both very interested in what he had to say about that. He said that some came with money to bribe, some come to tour, and others were kind of aggressive with it. He was very open-minded with what we were doing but it just didn’t seem right to try to “change” him. We left that day with nothing that I felt accomplished with.

We didn’t get to go back the next day because we had other plans but the next day we defiantly went back. Turkish tradition is to by a little gift so before we headed over we stopped by a pastry shop. We got up to his store and we prayed for guidance and words from God for him. We went in with the intent of bringing Jesus this time but we again, God had a different idea. He went for ҫay as Kristine, Alex, and I talked about what we were going to say. The Spirit was definably in the room because all of a sudden our ideas shifted and we decided that God just wanted His love to show today for Osman.

So that’s just what we did. We showed him that we loved and cared for him. We didn’t talk about the bible or Jesus. We just asked about his life and how he was raised. We showed that we cared for him. That was all, nothing spiritual about it.

Encouragment

We made it safely to Ankara after a six hour bus ride. That was fun! It was a luxury bus so honestly it wasn’t too bad. I did a lot of soul searching on that bus too. When you are crammed on a moving vehicle, there isn’t much you can do but talk to yourself sometimes.  Anyways, God has just been showing up in the last couple of days in almost everything that I encounter. Especially through people and His Word. It has been coming to life recently. God is providing, once again!

The other day I had just flipped open my bible and it fell to 2nd Timothy 4:5. It says that we shouldn’t be afraid to suffer for the Lord. That really hit me. I just pictured Jesus on the cross. It got me thinking that if He did that for me then I should not be afraid to proclaim His name because there isn’t much worse. So, I keep reading that verse and it started to give a different perspective on things.  I saw Jesus’ side of it!

A few verses came from a brother on the South East Asia team. He is very wise and intelligent. 1^st Corinthians 1:28-30, which says that God chose a people that, were the lowest of the low. ME! He chose someone that was in the slumps so that they will become rich in the Kingdom. You! How lucky are we because the way I see it is that we all are like this. Aren’t we?

His second verse came from 1^st Corinthians 2:1-5. It came from a speech Paul gave to the Corinthians. He didn’t come to them to say “lofty words” or give impressive speech’s to tell them about Jesus. He only came to them with the Word of the Holy Spirit. He didn’t trust in human wisdom but in God’s devote wisdom. How great is that? It has been so encouraging to know that people read my blog and that God provides me with exactly what I need at the right moments of my life for Him.

Courage to the Weak

Wow! God is so good! The past couple days have been amazing. Most everyone has had an encounter with people that are turning into amazing stories of God’s love. My team is doing a really good job with becoming uncomfortable for Jesus. It’s been great to see people step out of their little box to talk to someone on the bus or even simply smile at someone. For myself I am still trying to find courage to do that. I have talked to a few people but nothing like the others. I have been praying for courage and God’s wisdom lately but haven’t gotten anything yet. I think I am just worried that I might say something wrong and mislead people. I know things, but I am not a very good communicator when it comes to what I think about things.

The devil has been grabbing hold of my fear and telling me things that I see in myself and how bad of a person I am. Like, who am I to be telling this person about Jesus? I am not good enough, but I know this isn’t true. It still lingers in my mind sometimes though.  I desire to talk to someone and I want to have a friendship build because of it. I want what everyone else has been finding. I have asked God but I still don’t have any. How much longer do I have to wait or where can I find it? These questions run through my head every day. My prayers are the same each day also.

 “God, please send someone to talk to me. God, please give me strength and Your words.  Jesus, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE! Give me supernatural powers in Your name.”

So, in conclusion, I just again ask for y’alls prayers. Be prayer warriors for myself, my team, the South East Asia team, and any other missionaries out on the field. I think we all need a little boldness for Jesus. I will leave you one more thought and it comes from 2 Timothy 4:5

“But you should keep a clear mind in every situation. Don’t be afraid of suffering for the Lord. Work at telling others the Good News, and fully carry out the ministry God has given you.”

                                                                            

Understanding His way

So just a little update on how we are all doing in the Midlle East. Things are going very slowly it seems like it to me. Things aren't happening like they seem to be in South East Asia with the other team but I guess that's just how God works. With this type of people it seems like you have to put a lot of effort into getting it done. Just to strike up a conversation is very hard because first of all you don't know if they know english. This language barrier is very hard for me especially. I have been praying lately that God would allow me to have the gift of interpretation because I realy want to talk to people but it gets very discouraging when neither of you understand each other. I am so ready to see God do some awesome things now though. I am just learning to be patient in His timing. It gets very frustrating sometimes though.

Here are some prayer requests that my team and I have: (if y'all think about us just shout out a little prayer)

1) boldness for me. I am still seeking out to talk to people.
2) communication to become better or easier.
3) unity for the team to continue.
4) safety as well as good health.

I will be praying for each of you as well and pray a blessing upon you! God bless and talk to you later!

Journey over the sea

     So we made it safely to Istanbul, Turkey!!! Where do I begin? Well first off the plane ride was long and tireding. Secondly, it is so beautiful here. After our flight landed yesterday we got to our house, which is owned by the YWAM base here, and we crashed for a three hour nap! It was much enjoyable too. We went out for New Years which is not as big as it is in the states. Anyway, so this morning we all slept till about 2. We decided that going out on the city was a good idea so that's just what we did. We walked to the Mediterranean Sea which is about a twenty minute walk form our place!! It is one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen. It definatly took my breath away. God definalty knows what He is doing!
     So to end this little blog I will say one last thing. I am so excited to see what surprises are awaiting us on our journey. I hope ya'll have a very Happy New Year. Hugs and kisses from half way around the world! Until next time. :)