God is
faithful. I had to start out with something steady before I go into this blog. I
have another change in plans. So this blog is explaining what has been going on
in detail. I am going to be very honest with you all, when I first came to
Jacksonville, last year, I had the intentions of leaving for Kenya for a year
when DTS finished. By the time outreach ended my heart people in the nations. I
knew that when I came back I was not the same person I was when I first came. I
was wrecked for overseas missions. A couple months later I attended a three
month school of frontier missions which was training me to in long term
missions and church planting. During that school I have to have a two year
internship working with a church planting team. God placed India on my heart and
that’s where I was planning on living for my internship. So much of my time and
effort was in planning it that I got lost in it. January was the goal that was placed
for that. In the mean time I was going to live on base in Jacksonville and help
out in any way I could.
When I
arrived back in Jax in September I knew God was going to do major heart surgery
again. I didn’t realize how intense it would be. On the very first day back I
heard God asking me some questions, and for the next 2 weeks I was ignoring
Him. In my head, the mission was simple: get in, get out, done! I wanted to get
the next four months done as fast as possible. I didn’t want any distractions
from what I had planned. Then on a very ordinary day God stopped me in my
tracks and said “Where am I in your plans, Ansley?” I have to admit that I
tried to act like nothing was wrong. Everything was in God’s hands and I was a
good little Christian. The truth was though, that I had taken my life, my
plans, and my dreams from Him. I was in control of everything. That question started
me on the journey that I will be on for the rest of my life. It was time for me
to put everything back in His hands. This season was the start of learning to
die to my flesh. Heart surgery was starting and I had no other choice but to
listen and pray. While I was doing that, God was pulling things out of my heart
that had taken root. These things consisted of pride, fear, control, jealousy,
failure, and hate. Those are only the things He showed me in a few months. I
still have more to go. This is something I am going to learn for the rest of my
life. I have had to tell myself every day that it’s not about me. I have to
daily die to my flesh and allow Abba to work His hand. It’s not been easy to
see things in my heart that are keeping me from Jesus. It hurts to have the
past brought up again and see things that you have tried to hide from yourself.
I am so glad
that I was able to give Daddy my heart because I do not do a good job at
keeping it safe. I know that this part of my life is shaping who I will be
later in life and am so thankful for God’s grace in it. Since God has been
pulling out roots I have found a piece of heart that I have never recognized
before. It’s discipleship. I never saw myself here in Jax helping and
discipling students. Recently the outreaches for this DTS have been difficult
to plan. Lots of things have changed and moved around. I was originally going
to lead a team to India with my friend Apps. Now that things have changed and
not worked out, the outreaches have changed locations. I am no longer leading a
team but instead staying in Jax for a few more months to staff the January DTS.
Then in April I will lead a team overseas to the 10/40 window. I know things
have changed a lot for me and things are not the same whenever you talk to me.
One thing that is always constant and true is God. Even though I have changed
what I am doing every month, I’m learning it’s a learning process. I’m learning
to hear God’s voice and obey Him. Sometimes I get it wrong. Sometimes I fail,
but nothing changes the fact that God is faithful. That’s why I know without a
shadow of a doubt that God has my life in His hands. I am falling in love more
and more with Him every day because I have to ask Him where and what I should
all the time. Intimacy with Jesus is growing me as well. I have seen His heart
for these students and for me as well. I have learned and am learning every
single day. I have to trust. I have to love. I have to listen. I have nothing
but the hope that Jesus is my strength. He keeps saying “be still and know that
I AM.”
So in
conclusion, I am not perfect. I fail. I mess up. I can be selfish. BUT I have
something so constant and strong in my life that no matter what happens I know
Who I can turn to. In January, I will be staffing a school. It will challenge,
push, and stretch me more than I already have been. It’s going to be a new
experience and season but no matter how it is I am going to be still. I am not
in control. I have given my life in His hands. Thank you for staying with me on
this crazy journey. I am so thankful for your thoughts and prayers. I will be
home for Christmas till the 2nd of January so I hope you can find
me. I love you all. Thank you again for sticking with me in my crazy life.
Blessings!
I love you
like crazy!
~Ans~
