Hey friends! This blog may be a little longer than normal.
Lots of things have been going on the past couple weeks and I have not be able
to let anyone know of them. If you read my last blog post it talked a lot about
obedience and trusting. India was what I was talking about. Ya see, ever since
the students started to move in God spoke to me about my heart and why I was
back here. He spoke things that were so clear I thought He was physically
standing next to me. When I came back to Jax I was drained. To be honest, I was
dead. Being back in Indiana was hard. I was struggling with trying to be the
same person that everyone knew me as and then the new one at the same time. I
didn't want people to see me different than what they knew. I was being
selfish. It takes a lot of effort putting on a mask every day. Plus, I had all
of the India to take care of. I was stretching myself thin and going insane. By
the time I got back to Jax I was done. I had spent myself and was ready to be
my new self again.
Then God said my name, "Ansley, what are you
doing?"
"I'm back in Jax and going to focus on India with
everything that I have now so I can get ready to leave in January. You told me
to come back."
"What are you doing?" He asked again.
I'm getting ready for India."
I heard that question for the next 3 weeks and the
conversation repeated like that. I was so confused and wanted to know what He
was trying to say. I prayed and asked but He always answered with that
question. I had been trying to get my visa the entire time and it was not
working out. It was getting lost or deleted or my contacts wouldn't get back to
me. I was so fed up and ready to get out of the country. I wanted to go! Then
one ordinary day as I was frustrated and trying to plan my life God said,
"Ansley, stop."
"What? This is what you told me to do."
"Where am I in your plans?"
"Well, you are right here. After I get over there you
lead me to what you want me to do."
"Where am I right now?"
I realized something then. I had been planning my trip and
had lost sight of Who was the reason I was going. I had taken God's dream He
gave me and made it something that I had dreamed. I wasn’t seeking God and
forgot why I was going in the first place. It wasn't because I love India, even
though I do. It was because God said to "Go and make disciples of all
nations baptizing them in the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit".
That was the reason I was going. Not to bring glory to myself but to bring
God's love and to see people of the nation’s give glory to God. Then I heard
Him say,
"Give me India and you can still have all that I have
promised. Hand it to me and we can do it together. Give it to me and be willing
to let it die. Die to yourself. This was not your dream in the first place.
Listen to me. Obey me. Trust me. I know the plans I have for you and you don't
know the half of them. Ansley, let me have India and I will show you what I
have planned."
The next week I struggled with learning to die and give up
my dreams. I fought and yelled. I kicked and screamed. I cried and cried and
cried. It was tough. God was pulling out things in my heart that were so deeply
rooted in my heart that I would just lay on my face because it was so difficult.
He showed me a new revelation of Him and how He loves me. I heard Him speak
things like I have never heard before. I started on a journey that would
forever change my heart. By the end of the 3trd week I had surrendered my
heart, India, my pride, and my stubbornness. It hurt to give God my heart. But
God had something better than anything I can dream or imagine.
After realizing all that in the last few weeks I have been
praying about what I should do. God has been showing me why He brought me to
Jacksonville in the first place. He told me to put India on the back burner for
now. He is still calling me there and I will get the opportunity to start my
internship but right now He wants me to stay in the states. My role is starting
to become a leadership role. I am learning what it means to lead and how to
disciple others in my Church family. My heart is still longing to go overseas
and Daddy knows my heart better than anyone. I have recently been given the opportunity
to lead an outreach team to India and
Nepal in January. My friend Apps and I will be leading a DTS team of 14
students through the mountains and rivers of south Asia. God has answered my
prayer in taking me overseas. He knows the desires of my heart and is so
amazing to be giving me this team to help me grow in my leadership and to take
His name to the nations. I can explain in more words if anyone would like to
know about what God is doing in detail. I just want people and my supporters to
know because I don’t want to confuse people.
God promised me India and I know that’s where He has placed
on my heart. Right now, though as I’m in the states I am waiting, hearing, and
falling in love with Jesus more and more. I don’t know when I will leave for my
internship but all I know is that God wants me to be in the present. Not
dwelling on the past or living in the future. As I am learning to live here and
be content and happy where He has me I have already been able to experience things
with His love and live in community where everyone loves Jesus passionately. I
have seen and experienced too much now to turn back. I would not give up or
regret anything in this life because I know who I am in Christ and have faith
in a God that does miracles.
Please be praying for guidance and wisdom in this next
season and also for leadership development. I am so excited to be a part of these
student’s lives and cannot wait to see what all God has for them. I love them
with so much love. I love you all also. Peace and blessings over you. Always,
Ans!
