Friday, December 27, 2013

At the altar

“At the altar, belief and action kissed, and extremist for love was born.” The belief started in the Lord, the action followed, and the love grew. I believe the altar symbolizes things you have to lay down, sacrifice everything, even what you believe the Lord has promised you. We do not pursue the promises, we pursue God and everything else follows. I do not know which way you are supposed to go, I just felt like I heard the Lord say “bring it to the altar.” Sacrifice is a symbol of worship and puts us in a posture of humility and trust before God for clearer guidance towards His heart and His desires alone.
This was a word from a friend, recently. I had asked her to ask the Lord what I should do about something because I was not hearing Him. I was too concerned with what my thoughts were saying and not listening to Him. When she texted me this I had to stop what I was doing because there was something in those words that hit me. Sacrifice. Guys, I don’t know what it means to sacrifice. I live in America for crying out loud. Everything I could ever ask for is at the disposal of my hands. I have everything I need and can throw out anything I don’t need. I don’t, for a second, know what sacrifice means. Around here we use it loosely. Oh, I sacrificed my time to be with you or I sacrificed going to the movies instead of church. But when I looked up the word, this is what I found:
1.)    the offering of animal, plant, or human life or of some material possession to a deity, as in propitiation or homage.
2.)    the surrender or destruction of something prized or desirable for the sake of something considered as having a higher or more pressing claim.
3.)    the thing so surrendered or devoted.
4.)    a loss incurred in selling something below its value.
(reference from www.dictionary.com)
All of these are about giving up, surrendering something that is of value. It’s not something of value like a car or food. It’s something like Abraham giving up his son because the Lord said to. It’s giving up a reputation like Mary did because she was a virgin giving birth to a child. It’s like giving up a life, just like the man who took on flesh and died for me. Knowing that things could get worse and more bad things were going to happen if this sacrifice was complete; each of these people gave up their own rights. They gave up their own thoughts and feelings because of a God who said to. This God loves them so why would He tell them to do these things? I don’t know either, maybe so that they would grow closer in relationship with Him. I don’t know why He does it. BUT I do know one thing; He wouldn't tell me to do something without a reason. He loves me. I still don’t know the true meaning of sacrifice. I have been thinking about doing something to symbolize it with a fire but I haven’t gotten around to it. I just want it to be meaningful so that when the time comes my sacrifice is out of love and not out of fear or selfish gain. If God ever tells me to sacrifice my child or my reputation I pray that I would love Him enough to do it. I don’t want to make anything else my god, except the Man Who once gave His entire life for me, little ‘ol me. I pray that the depth of sacrifice is etched deep in my heart so that when God tells me to do something; I do it, because I love Him.
Then God said, “Take your son, your only son, whom you love—Isaac—and go to the region of Moriah. Sacrifice him there as a burnt offering on a mountain I will show you.”
Genesis 22:1-3

People, I want more of God. I want all that He can give me. Thanks for reading my blog and listening to me babble about things that are on my heart. I know it’s messing but it supposed to be right? I am not trying to hide anything so what you are reading is raw, straight form my heart. Thanks again for going on this journey with me. Keep reading as I grow closer to the heart of God and please let me know what is going on in your hearts. I love real life stuff. God bless and may the Lord’s love hit you today. 


Monday, December 2, 2013

Ocean deep in His love


Have mercy on me, O God, because of your unfailing love.
Because of your great compassion, blot out the stain of my sins.

Wash me clean from my guilt. Purify me from my sin.

For I recognize my rebellion; it haunts me day and night.

Against you, and you alone, have I sinned; I have done what is evil in your sight. You will be proved right in what you say, and your judgment against me is just. For I was born a sinner—yes, from the moment my mother conceived me. But you desire honesty from the womb,
teaching me wisdom even there. Purify me from my sins, and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow. Oh, give me back my joy again; you have broken me—now let me rejoice. Don’t keep looking at my sins. Remove the stain of my guilt. Create in me a clean heart, O God. Renew a loyal spirit within me. Do not banish me from your presence, and don’t take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and make me willing to obey you. Then I will teach your ways to rebels, and they will return to you. Forgive me for shedding blood, O God who saves; then I will joyfully sing of your forgiveness. Unseal my lips, O Lord, that my mouth may praise you. You do not desire a sacrifice, or I would offer one. You do not want a burnt offering. The sacrifice you desire is a broken spirit. You will not reject a broken and repentant heart, O God. Look with favor on Zion and help her; rebuild the walls of Jerusalem. Then you will be pleased with sacrifices offered in the right spirit— with burnt offerings and whole burnt offerings. Then bulls will again be sacrificed on your altar.

This passage comes from Psalm 51. It was right after David had committed adultery with Bathsheba, Nathan, a prophet, came to David and had a word from the Lord. This psalm is a reaction to David's humble response from Nathan's word. His cry out to God reflects what I feel like this season. I'll share a little bit from my heart about where God has been taking me...

I have been desperate. I have been in pain. I have felt alone and confused, but this time it's more than that. After coming home from Tunisia this spring I have been battling things inside my heart. I have seen things in myself that I have been wanting to change and grow in but have never had enough strength to fully pull through it. I see  things in myself that I know I need to get rid of but it seems like I keep falling deeper and deeper into those thing. It seems to have put me in this deep hole in the ground with no escape route. I have become even more desperate and even more in a place where I am constantly crying. I'm crying out to God and asking Him to take these things from me because I know they keep me from being closer to Him. All I want is to be near Him. To know Him. To be like my King. And to a point, the things I want to stop doing, or my sin, are keeping me from fully knowing Him. It frustrates me because I am trying and trying and trying but all that keeps coming to my head is that I am a failure. I know I can't get rid of this stuff by myself so I turn to God and ask Him to help but all I hear Him say is, "I love you." That is not the answer I want to hear. I want to hear Him say, oh my darling, we can do this. I am helping You. I will instantly take them from you so you and I can be closer... BUT He isn't saying that. After a while of being told He loved me I finally asked God what that meant. This is what Daddy told me; My Daughter, I love you because I love you. I love you because I created you. I love you because you are Mine. I want to be with you. I don't want you to worry about these "things" you want to get rid of. That's not the point. I don't want you striving. I don't love you more based on these "things" you get rid of. I love you just like this. Just like the way you are, in this state. I love you where your heart is right now. Stop trying to get more love out of me because I already love you far beyond anything you can dream about. My beloved daughter, I love YOU. I want you to know that you have nothing to worry about. I told you that from the very first time we met that I loved you. I still mean it. I am not leaving. Ansley, my chosen one, you come from My garden. I picked you. I love you. I will lead you and guide you. I have your life now. 
For the next few days after that the Lord confirmed that word by sending people to me to tell me that He loved me. He sent people very important to me to tell me that I am worth it. One friend very close to my heart, who I have only known for a little bit told me that they loved me as well and that was incredible. That broke the wall. 
I am looking ahead into the future of the woman that God has placed inside of me. I see this woman who is confident in herself, she is humble when she is wrong, and who knows who she is. This woman is beautiful. She is strong, mighty, and full of love. I want to be able to walk into a room or just simply touch someone with them knowing that they are loved by me. More than that, that there is something different in my love. My love is Christ's love. I want that to be my life mission. To make God's love known, wherever I go. In order for me to share and give that love I must also experience and know that love myself. I pray everyday that God would open another part of my heart to love because I want everyone I meet to know that love. I can only give as much as I have received.
I will leave you with one last passage from Hosea which is speaking to the deepest and darkest parts of  my heart. It is helping me see God is  a whole new light, and frankly, I love it. I love Jesus. So here it is and  I hope it speaks to you as well.


“But then I will win her back once again.
  I will lead her into the desert
    and speak tenderly to her there."
Hosea 2:14