Ocean deep in His love

Have mercy on me, O God, because of your unfailing love.

Because of your great compassion, blot out the stain of my sins.

Wash me clean from my guilt. Purify me from my sin.

For I recognize my rebellion; it haunts me day and night.

Against you, and you alone, have I sinned; I have done what is evil in your sight. You will be proved right in what you say, and your judgment against me is just. For I was born a sinner—yes, from the moment my mother conceived me. But you desire honesty from the womb,

teaching me wisdom even there. Purify me from my sins, and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow. Oh, give me back my joy again; you have broken me—now let me rejoice. Don’t keep looking at my sins. Remove the stain of my guilt. Create in me a clean heart, O God. Renew a loyal spirit within me. Do not banish me from your presence, and don’t take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and make me willing to obey you. Then I will teach your ways to rebels, and they will return to you. Forgive me for shedding blood, O God who saves; then I will joyfully sing of your forgiveness. Unseal my lips, O Lord, that my mouth may praise you. You do not desire a sacrifice, or I would offer one. You do not want a burnt offering. The sacrifice you desire is a broken spirit. You will not reject a broken and repentant heart, O God. Look with favor on Zion and help her; rebuild the walls of Jerusalem. Then you will be pleased with sacrifices offered in the right spirit— with burnt offerings and whole burnt offerings. Then bulls will again be sacrificed on your altar.

This passage comes from Psalm 51. It was right after David had committed adultery with Bathsheba, Nathan, a prophet, came to David and had a word from the Lord. This psalm is a reaction to David's humble response from Nathan's word. His cry out to God reflects what I feel like this season. I'll share a little bit from my heart about where God has been taking me...

I have been desperate. I have been in pain. I have felt alone and confused, but this time it's more than that. After coming home from Tunisia this spring I have been battling things inside my heart. I have seen things in myself that I have been wanting to change and grow in but have never had enough strength to fully pull through it. I see  things in myself that I know I need to get rid of but it seems like I keep falling deeper and deeper into those thing. It seems to have put me in this deep hole in the ground with no escape route. I have become even more desperate and even more in a place where I am constantly crying. I'm crying out to God and asking Him to take these things from me because I know they keep me from being closer to Him. All I want is to be near Him. To know Him. To be like my King. And to a point, the things I want to stop doing, or my sin, are keeping me from fully knowing Him. It frustrates me because I am trying and trying and trying but all that keeps coming to my head is that I am a failure. I know I can't get rid of this stuff by myself so I turn to God and ask Him to help but all I hear Him say is, "I love you." That is not the answer I want to hear. I want to hear Him say, oh my darling, we can do this. I am helping You. I will instantly take them from you so you and I can be closer... BUT He isn't saying that. After a while of being told He loved me I finally asked God what that meant. This is what Daddy told me; My Daughter, I love you because I love you. I love you because I created you. I love you because you are Mine. I want to be with you. I don't want you to worry about these "things" you want to get rid of. That's not the point. I don't want you striving. I don't love you more based on these "things" you get rid of. I love you just like this. Just like the way you are, in this state. I love you where your heart is right now. Stop trying to get more love out of me because I already love you far beyond anything you can dream about. My beloved daughter, I love YOU. I want you to know that you have nothing to worry about. I told you that from the very first time we met that I loved you. I still mean it. I am not leaving. Ansley, my chosen one, you come from My garden. I picked you. I love you. I will lead you and guide you. I have your life now. 

For the next few days after that the Lord confirmed that word by sending people to me to tell me that He loved me. He sent people very important to me to tell me that I am worth it. One friend very close to my heart, who I have only known for a little bit told me that they loved me as well and that was incredible. That broke the wall. 

I am looking ahead into the future of the woman that God has placed inside of me. I see this woman who is confident in herself, she is humble when she is wrong, and who knows who she is. This woman is beautiful. She is strong, mighty, and full of love. I want to be able to walk into a room or just simply touch someone with them knowing that they are loved by me. More than that, that there is something different in my love. My love is Christ's love. I want that to be my life mission. To make God's love known, wherever I go. In order for me to share and give that love I must also experience and know that love myself. I pray everyday that God would open another part of my heart to love because I want everyone I meet to know that love. I can only give as much as I have received.
I will leave you with one last passage from Hosea which is speaking to the deepest and darkest parts of  my heart. It is helping me see God is  a whole new light, and frankly, I love it. I love Jesus. So here it is and  I hope it speaks to you as well.

“But then I will win her back once again.
  I will lead her into the desert

    and speak tenderly to her there."

Hosea 2:14