Story of my life... LOVE!

The heart is an amazing thing. It’s what keeps us alive and well in life. It holds up pretty well in stressful situations and takes in and reuses blood throughout the whole body. The heart also loves much. It is fragile and can give so much. It offers a lot and sometimes gets nothing in return.

My heart. Let’s just talk about this for a second. For the past almost two years now, I have been taken on a journey of love. I think I have used this phrase a few times but I will kind of explain what I mean. What I mean is that since the time I gave my entire life to Christ and allowed Him to lead me I have gone on a wild goose chase with God, trying to find out what God says about love. I have read, experienced, read some more, and asked Him for love. I have gone on a journey so deep and so crazy that love is deep inside of me. My heart has expanded and been transformed by the Love the Father has shown and given me. I asked Him to radically love me so that I would not even think about turning away from Him because I knew that I needed to taste and see something so Good that I would not want to turn from Him again. He has been doing that since the first time I met Him. He has been my only desire since that moment. He has placed people in my life that are hard to love. Some I have failed, some I have loved, but I realized in all of it that He loves me more than I could ever discover in this life.

I bet you are thinking, why does she always talks about love?… Well, because just for that very fact. He loved me so radically that I desire to share that love. That’s why I love what I do. I get to share that radical Love I had asked for. Recently though I feel like I can’t love. Wait let me rephrase that. I feel like God has taken my heart out of my chest. I think He is placing things deeper inside of me that He can’t put in unless my heart is vulnerable. I’ll give you an example of what I mean. So, like, when I walk down the streets here in Africa and see all the beggar people I can literally feel my heart aching for them. It leaps to be with them. I want to lie on the ground next to them, hug them, kiss them, and tell them how much Jesus loves them. I feel like my heart is being ripped into a million pieces. I FEEL God’s heart. I don’t know how to explain in human words how it feels but that’s the closest I can say. There is more than that though. Especially this one guy that has a flower bag. He walks around the city with a bag full of roses and sells them. Did I mention he probably was thrown out on the streets by his family because he is mentally handicapped? Did I also say that he walks with a massive limp, like his leg is broken? Did I mention that when I look in his eyes I see hurt. I see pain. I see rejection. I see how much he needs just a hug. When I see him, sometimes I have to close my eyes because my love for him is so intense. He is loved by a God he has probably never even heard of His love before. He is a kid who has no family, the government controls him, and people shoo him away because he is a bother. I call him flower boy. He is loved by the King and he makes me cry by just doing what he is told. My heart is in a big mush on the floor right now.  

When I speak of my heart being vulnerable, flower boy is what I mean by that. I mean that my heart is so much laid out before the Lord that He has full reign to do whatever He wishes to do with it. Even if it means being a stretch for me, stepping out of my comfort zone to just say hello or buy one flower. I have come to realize on this outreach that I need to start being more crazy in Love. I need to be able to look like a fool for Him. He did for me, right? I want to honor Him in my life and allow His love to grow more in me. He is the One I am representing anyway, not myself.

So, I guess to sum up outreach I would say it was a lot of crying. I cried because my heart was having surgery done. I may not have done a lot in the natural but I know that outreach isn't just about the people. It’s about me and Him too. I have no regrets in this time. I have “I wish I would of said something’s” but no regrets. I know that God works things together for His Good. Even if I disobey or just want to cry. He is still faithful.

A good phrase I have heard recently that is sticking with me is “He is making all things new, in me and in the world.” So, to conclude my time here in Africa (my childhood dream) I would put it simply like this. I love Him and others because He first loved me (us). (1 John 4:19)

Love you all like crazy and will see you in 2 weeksish!!!!!

~Ans~

This is a picture of the team worshiping Jesus on a rooftop. It was a rooftop experience.